Homecoming: Book Two in the Doctors Smith & Saxon series
by ss9
Summary: Modern AU: A new year and new start for Dr John Smith and Dr Missy Saxon. Yet can they really just move on and leave their difficult pasts behind them, or will old ghosts rear their heads and make moving on together impossible? Current: Doctor/Missy Past: Doctor/Clara see Therapy Book 1
1. Chapter 1 part 1

A plane The Doctor had honestly never expected he would find himself on board one ever again, and yet in the last two weeks he had been on several of varying sizes. Still if he had to state a preference there was something to be said for kicking back in business class with its reclining pods that provided their passengers with the illusion of comfort and privacy as the large jet winged its way back over the Atlantic.

Back to London…back home…back to his beloved typewriter and the novel he needed to finish…back to that large empty house…

Scowling The Doctor pushed down thoughts of his lonely Chelsea townhouse and forced himself to reread his own terrible handwriting. In substitute of his beloved type 40 he had reverted to trusty pen and paper to note down his moments of inspiration, but just as he had in the last few weeks John found himself getting distracted by brunette next to him. The curve of that half smile as she found something amusing in the book she was reading allowed John to stare at her without feeling self-conscious about it.

He still can't believe she wants him, or that she went to the lengths she did to secure him.

Missy Saxon is stunning and still very much in her prime whereas he is old and rumpled and on the cusp of going over. John has no illusions about how other people must view them together and he can only wonder now at his past blindness. Missy is around ten years his junior, whereas Clara…the thought of his former girlfriend still causes a part of John to cringe in shame especially now when he is forced to accept just how very young she was…is…

He must have looked like a dirty old man.

Well as of recently that had become an accurate moniker. Not even when he had been young and virile could John remember being involved in so physical a relationship. Missy was insatiable and despite his lingering fears that he might fail to live up to her demands, somehow the dark haired vixen managed to find ways to coax stamina out of him that John didn't even know he possessed.

Well it wasn't as though he had been lacking in inspiration. Missy Saxon in a bikini could have a dead man rising from his grave.

The trip to Barbados had been positively idyllic. Nothing to do but relax and be warmed by the sun, eat gorgeous food and drink wine. Explore new places and listen to new music, Missy was fearless and with her by his side John had been too. Yet John would be lying if he wasn't in part relieved their holiday was at an end, at least when Missy was at work he might be able to unscramble what was left of his brain and get some writing done.

Even so as much as he was looking forward to getting back his novel John was dreading going home, back to his empty house. There were moments when he actually opened his mouth to ask Missy if he could actually come back to her apartment instead. Yet every time his courage failed him and better sense prevailed. It was a ridiculous thing to ask. Here he was a man of his age afraid to live alone and prepared to plead with his…his…

Lover?

Perhaps that was what was really bothering him, what were they now? Lovers, partners? Was Missy his girlfriend, was he her boyfriend at his age?

John hardly had the best track record at being anyone's boyfriend and inwardly he cringed at the thought of how Missy would react with him being so pathetic at looking after himself, at his poor attempt at being a decent boyfriend. And was he even that?

Did Missy want that from him?

Despite all the time they had just spent together they actually did very little serious talking about them; about how life would be for them when they got back. And suddenly John wished they had, wished he had found the courage to broach the subject in a place where the sea was turquoise and the air warm and full of fragrance. Damp dark drizzly London suddenly seemed like the worst place possible to make a new start of anything.

-/-

It was possible to make a character study of someone by just watching them closely and over the last two weeks Missy Saxon had been paying particular attention to one Mr John Smith. She watched the way he always put away his clothes at night. She watched the way he cut his toast into triangles and she watched the way his eyebrows seemed to send semaphore signals of his mood without John being any the wiser.

When he was excited or even a little nervous they shot up, up and outward they opened up his face and for a moment it was possible to catch a glimpse of the impish faced boy he must have been.

When he was pondering some interesting puzzle or musing over some amusing thought they would gather slightly, the eyes beneath them distant but unclouded, lips pursed slightly sometimes with a tip of finger intruding to tap against them lightly.

When he was cajoling or flirting with her they danced, one would leap up with the other to follow shortly, then sometimes they would waggle in her direction and it was all Missy could do to stop herself pinning him down and biting at the furry little temptations.

Then there were other times, times when they would practically press together low above his eyes, eyes that seem stormy grey as they bore into whatever person of thing which had quite clearly offended him. That was how his eyebrows were now and it was worrying enough that Missy set down her book and shifted slightly to follow his line of sight.

Yet has she raked her gaze over the blank page Missy realised she was actually at a loss and that whatever was bothering her John was more likely on the inside and that if she wanted to uncrease that furrowed brow she was going to have to ask.

"I do believe that if you stare at that poor page a second longer it will actually combust."

"Wha.." Startled by her voice John actually looked up surprised to find Missy's face so close as she hunkered over her own arm rest and rested her hand over his own.

"You know it might actually help to talk about whatever is clearly causing that face." Missy added.

"What face?" John asked blustered defensively. "I was just thinking…"

"This face." Missy retorted before mimicking John's scrunched up glare pleased at least when that caused him to laugh a little.

Shaking his head John pleaded with her, "Please don't do that again."

"Why did I frighten you dear?" Missy teased running fingertips over his hand and down the length of those fine talented fingers feeling the familiar spark of electricity that still caused her pulse to quicken even after two weeks of screwing each other senseless. "And you were not just thinking, you were troubled and I want you tell me what about."

"Missy it's nothing…" John insisted yet there was something about those piercing blue eyes of hers that made lying to her stick in his throat.

"And now you're lying to me John I won't have that." Missy insisted eyes glinting with something wicked, something that caused the hair on John's neck to prickle.

"You will tell me what is the matter or I will have to take measures into my own hand." Missy added a smirk playing about her red painted lips, her gaze fixed on John's own watching for the moment of realisation, savouring it as her hand moved from his and began to slowly touch him through the fabric of his trousers.

Surprise…He all but jolted out of his seat…then shock robbed him of the ability to move for a good few seconds…precious seconds in which Missy took full advantage of his paralysis to unzip his trousers and slip her hand inside.

He was trapped…trapped next to the window and unable to just stand up as Missy had taken full advantage of the fact he had run out of clean underwear a few days in and began working him slowly.

Shifting in his seat John tried first to wiggle her off but Missy was relentless, her nails came quickly into play and he barely managed to swallow his squeak.

His own hand reached down to grab her wrist, his long fingers wrapping around her slim limb with ease, yet Missy's nails dug in deeper in warning. He might be able to physically overwhelm her but John knew his lover well enough to know she would exact her own pound of flesh for being so thwarted and a pound of flesh from a most sensitive part of his body at that.

Smiling as her lover realised all by himself that wasn't the solution Missy began to stroke him, torturously, slowly, back and forth, sometimes using her nails a little sometimes twisting her wrist and savouring the tremble that ran through John's tense frame. "So are you going to tell me the truth now?"

"This is blackmail." John hissed through clenched teeth.

His free hand reaching out and wrapping around his own arm rest, his fingers going white from the pressure as he sought to control himself and not…not respond to her…oh who was he kidding he was putty in her hands and had been for weeks. He had been the one to teach Missy just how he liked to be touched and clearly she had been an excellent pupil as despite the circumstances he already had a sizeable bulge in his barely fastened trousers.

"Oh yes it is love." Missy all but purred delighting in the way he tried to fight her, trying and failing but it was the thought that counted.

John's eyes widened at her choice of language. Missy had been liberally trying out all manner of endearments over the last two weeks and some of her more creative ones had them both giggling but this was the first time he could recall her using the L word and it had John stuttering and flushing for an entirely other reason than her hand on his cock. Now he really didn't want to talk about it, not about his own insecurities, his own need to understand just what they were and if they were going anywhere other than to bed.

He did not want to talk, did not want her to continue and yet he didn't really want her to stop either.

"Marsaili please."

"Hmmm." Missy purred in his ear savouring his pleas like a fine wine. "Oh John I like it when you beg, now be a good boy and tell your Marsaili what has you all cross pants."

Hot under his open collar John was certain he must now look bright crimson to any would be onlooker. Swallowing and cringing he spotted a stewardess making her way down the aisle with a pot of coffee. Grabbing his abandoned notebook John tried his best to cover Missy's actions but there was no hiding how the little book bobbed up and down.

"A stewardess is coming…she'll see…"

"Then you had better confess darling." Missy retorted leaning forward and licking the lobe of his ear.

Torn John's eyes locked on the stewardess as she paused three seats in front of them to top up somebody's coffee. Missy's hand was now pumping him, her palm too dry against his sensitive skin but the chafing only seemed to make it more erotic, like the first fumblings of a naive schoolboy under the covers in his dorm whilst his school mates slept on unawares.

"Fine Fine…" John started before stopping barely stifling a groan as Missy cupped and squeezed his balls.

"Anytime dearest." Missy's voice was low and musical against his ear. "Tick tock…"

"Are you…" John began awkwardly, hanging his head unable to meet her gaze as his cheeks burnt with lust and shame and a combination of other feelings in between. "Are we…I mean to say…does this make you my girlfriend now?"

Startled by the question Missy's hand actually faltered on his throbbing cock for a moment. "Oh."

Taking her surprise the worst way John felt his mortification grow if that was even possible. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have assumed…I mean of course you wouldn't want an old grumpy useless bastard like me as your boyfriend…"

Missy's lips on his came as a surprise, John's eyebrows shot up into his hairline as he was kissed quite decidedly, the passing stewardess caught his reaction and John saw her amused smile before he melted down into Missy's kiss. At least she hadn't spotted his tented trousers.

Savouring the moment Missy lingered on the taste of his lips, the feel of his fingers burrowing in her hair and stroking the loose curls through his fingertips.

"Is that a yes?" John's tentative question had Missy opening her eyes, surprised to see his very real vulnerability in his unsure gaze.

Her smile growing by Cheshire proportions Missy glanced over her shoulder, their stewardess was long gone and their nearest neighbours seemed engrossed in some drivel of a film.

"Marsaili please don't keep me in suspense." John pleaded his anxiety returning as Missy seemed to look anywhere but at him. "If you don't feel the same about me…"

"Of course it's a yes darling." Missy insisted reaching up and stroking his cheek gently before both of their gazes were drawn down to John's not so little problem.

"It'll be fine…a few minutes…maybe some cold water…" John suggested as he shifted with growing discomfort as part of him began to complain about the sudden cessation of service.

"Now that sounds like a terrible waste." Missy replied blue eyes glinting with mischief as she winked at him. "I think he'd prefer something far hotter…"

"Yes…but…What are you…" John began, his confusion giving way to disbelief and then to pleasure as Missy Saxon bent her dark head down and at twenty thousand feet, at the ripe age of fifty six, inducted John Smith into a rather exclusive members club.

-/-


	2. Chapter 1 part 2

-/-

It was getting dark when their cab pulled up outside of Dr John Smith's Chelsea address. The imposing grey townhouse rose up like a ghostly monolith from the wet pavement. Windows all dark, it glared back at John and he felt his stomach churn in response. Coming home should be a pleasurable experience, a chance to kick back and relax, but by contrast John dreaded the moment he had to step through those doors…alone…into the dark and the cold.

"Do you want to come in for a coffee?" The question was out of John Smith's mouth before he could even think how it would sound. In his head it had seemed perfectly reasonable and yet hearing the barely smothered snigger of their cabbie and Missy's answering smirk John could feel a flush building up to his cheeks.

"You don't…unless you want to head straight back to yours?" John stumbled over his explanation pushing the money for his part of the fare at the cab driver and fumbling with the door handle. "You must be tired…I didn't think…"

"And miss the chance to snoop." Missy teased reaching out and offering her hand to him.

A relieved smile lit up John's face robbing him of several years; he gladly accepted Missy's proffered hand, all but dragging her out of the cab to her accompanying laughter.

The cabbie made up for his indiscrete eavesdropping and earned his tip by unloading both their bags from the boot and carrying them up the few steps to the front door. Yet John was glad to be rid of him when he fumbled for his keys, Missy snuggling into his side as the cold January wind blustered down the street.

"Well home sweet home." John mustered up some enthusiasm as he finally got the door open, revealing the long dark hallway. "Here there is a light switch just about…"

Flicking the light on, the hallway flooded with soft yellow light from wall mounted frosted glass light fittings revealing the original Victorian mosaic tiled floor and high corniced ceilings.

One eyebrow raised in surprise Missy followed John into the house, her surprise growing as she quickly realised that contrary to her original assumption this wasn't a communal hallway as John paused to pick up his post before dumping it on an antique oak hall table next to a battered old typewriter. A large polished oak staircase dominated the far end of the hall, yet there were several doors that opened off of the hallway indicating more than one reception room.

Tugging her coat tightly around herself as John dragged in their luggage and began to make muttering noises about the bloody heating Missy tired her best not to stare, yet it was hard not to as even in the hallway there were signs of casual wealth that Missy still uncomfortable with.

It was an intimidating house if you let it and it took a few moments for Missy Saxon to rein in the poor girl from Ayr who felt a moment of blind panic at being in a house this grand. Dragging her gaze from her surroundings Missy forced herself to focus on John…John who had clearly been watching her reaction closely…and with more than a hint of amusement.

"So do you want to start snooping now or would you like your coffee first? If you would like I can draw you a map I wouldn't want you to get lost."

"You're an arse!" Missy snapped blue eyes flashing as her boyfriend had the nerve to laugh at her. "Why didn't you tell me you owned a bloody house?"

"Yes I suppose I can be and because honestly what does it matter?" John admitted reaching out and catching both of her hands, walking backwards and pulling his reluctant girlfriend with him. "Now I did promise my lady coffee…unless you are going to struggle picking your jaw off the floor to drink it?"

Unable to punch him Missy settled for sticking her tongue out, it was childish but John's amusement only grew and Missy found herself returning his smile.

"This house is ridiculous John Smith!" Missy teased as John led her around to the back of the main staircase to a hidden set of stairs that led down to the basement kitchen…a servant's kitchen. "I can only imagine your heating bills."

"That's what you focus on?" John retorted bemused as they entered the kitchen which fortunately showed every sign of being cleaned recently…his cleaner…Con…Constance was it…well she clearly had been and tidied up after the mess he had left before vanishing off to Barbados with Missy. He would have to remember to tip her when he paid her...not that he knew how or when he paid her.

Another thing for the list that John was compiling and yet he suspected he wouldn't get round to dealing with until forced to.

"I do believe your kitchen is bigger than my living room." Missy huffed running her eyes over the fitted worktops and the large flagstone floor. Not that she really used her kitchen to cook in, but her little kitchenette was really only any good for heating things up in, perfect for her non-existent culinary skills.

Taking a seat at the table in middle of the room Missy shifted awkwardly in her seat as John rummaged through cupboards for a cafetiere and coffee grounds. It was almost embarrassing, John had spent a whole weekend at hers and Missy couldn't help but wonder now what he really thought of it. Obviously he had only been being polite when he protested about her throwing him out, or perhaps it was just her bed that he objected being booted out of…

It stung her pride a little as Missy was proud of the little nest she had managed to scrounge for herself and it had never occurred to her that John might be used to something far better. All this time she had deluded herself that they were equals, in wit, intelligence and appetites. She had never once doubted that was John Smith's match in everything, yet as Missy Saxon sat in the huge kitchen of John's Chelsea townhouse she couldn't quite squash the feelings of inadequacy that began to multiply in her stomach.

Here he was a very successful man and by contrast she was only just recently what she would consider a success. It had taken her years to gather the deposit money needed to buy her one bedroom flat. Just a little bit put to the side each month after rent and bills, until her practice had finally started to take off and she could start to draw down a proper wage. To be able to own anything in London was something of an achievement, yet the mortgage even on her little flat took the vast bulk of Missy's income each month.

Yet she had never doubted her own success until she stepped inside John Smith's house and was confronted by the very real proof that more could have been achieved.

"Bigger is not necessarily better." John replied as he began to fill the kettle.

"Yes it's what you do with it that counts but having something big to work with doesn't hurt!" Missy retorted suggestively, her smile growing when a startled John turned around to glare at her and accidentally caught his sleeve in the running cold water.

"What?" Missy added fluttering her eyelashes in faux innocence at John's glare. "Proper spatial design is essential darling."

Shaking his head at Missy's protests, protests that were fooling no one, John rung out his damp sleeve and dried off his soggy watch on his trousers before plugging in the now full kettle. It only took him a couple of tries before he found the cupboard that apparently the mugs lived in when they were clean and not acting as still life around his study. Pleased with himself he set them down on the dining table.

"What no cup and saucer?" Missy mocked shaking her head. "Your standards are slipping Doctor Smith."

"I can get out the silver sugar tongs if you would like?" John deadpanned; his tone a little curt as Missy continued to make digs at his newly revealed wealth.

So what if he had money, he was a very successful author and before that change in career his spell in academia and research had credited him with one or two patents that still brought in a yearly income. It was nothing to be ashamed of, nothing he had to apologise for or defend. It wasn't like he was decadent or wasteful with his money. So why was Missy baiting him about it?

"Only if you can find them." Missy retorted smiling yet there was a hard edge to her tone, she didn't enjoy being mocked herself, that was her job and having it turned around tit for tat brought out the worst in her.

Scowling John turned his attention back to the coffee as the kettle boiled. Grateful to have a distraction and something to do with his hands, he measured out the grounds into the cafetiere and then added the boiled water. Turning around he set it on the dining table before heading to the fridge. He doubted there was any milk still in date but it was worth checking even if it was just a device to avoid having to join Missy at the table.

As he suspected the cupboard was bare, Constance must have cleaned it out and thrown away the rotting food as the fridge was surprisingly sparkly. "There's no milk…we'll have to have it black."

"Oh dear did the maid forget to do the shopping?" Missy replied, the damning words falling from her tongue before she could stop herself, not surprised when an irritated John slammed the fridge door shut.

Missy knew deep down she was being unfair, that she should stop and swallow down her envy, but that was easier said than done…and not helped by the thought that all this time John had been keeping this from her. At least now she no longer had any delusions about just what about John had been able to attract such a young woman as Clara to him in the first place. As other than the man himself what pretty young girl wouldn't swoon at the feet of a millionaire?

And how could she possibly compete?

Biting back his own reply knowing it would only make a tense situation worse John tried to swallow down his anger as well. He knew Missy had a cutting tongue but he had never been so unfortunate as to have it directed at him before. Still he couldn't help pressing down on the cafetiere with a little too much force, yet he didn't anticipate or expect the boiling hot liquid to shoot back up with equal force and instinctively he knocked it away to protect himself…away from him…but…shit….

The boiling hot coffee surged across the tabletop and instinctively Missy pushed herself away but too late to escape it entirely. It splashed out staining the bottom of her grey coat yet it was the cream kilt skirt and her poor legs that caught the worst of it.

"Fuck….Fuck…" Her legs were on fire and Missy made futile attempts to brush the hot liquid away only spreading the burn to the palms of her hands.

"Shit Missy I'm sorry…"

"Don't be fucking sorry John get me a wet cloth or something?" Missy snapped as she blinked back pained tears practically snatching the wet cold dishcloth from his hands and pressing it to her red blotchy legs to ease the pain of the burn.

Great not only was she a failure but not she was an ugly scarred failure as well.

"Here let me…" John offered returning with another wet cloth yet Missy physically pushed him away.

"I think you have done more than enough already thank you Dr Smith." Missy replied bitterly. "For future reference when you bring your girls home we prefer to drink and not wear our coffee."

"Look Missy I'm sorry but it was an accident…"

"An accident you caused but then you've probably never had to make your own coffee before…"

"Would you stop with the bitchy comments they are not going to help!" John snapped his eyes storm cloud grey. "And enough with the digs about my house or my money. Yes I am wealthy now but you know damn well that I grew up in the Glasgow slums, everything I have now I earned Missy and I will not be made to feel bad about it. I don't know what your problem is…"

"You didn't tell me!" Missy yelled back silencing John's rant. "I thought you might have mentioned it before now. Instead you let me make a fool out of myself…"

"How on earth have I done that?" John demanded. "I didn't tell you before because honestly I never thought it important enough to mention its just money it's not like it's even important."

"Spoken like someone who has never really had to worry about where their next meal was coming from." Missy muttered bitterly. "Well I did and I may be relatively well off now by most people's standards but this…" She paused gesturing around the room. "This is more than I could ever dream of and its god damn intimidating…You're already brilliant and handsome did you have to be bloody rich as well? How the hell am I supposed to keep up?"

That John had not been expecting. Missy always presented herself as supremely confident in herself, yet he knew that scratch the armoured surface and there was a fragile woman hiding underneath. Still he never expected that she would be afraid of him being too good for her…

For a moment John could only stare at Missy dumbstruck.

Humiliated by her own outburst and John's silent reaction Missy snatched her purse from the table top, wincing as her burnt legs protested the movement, her sodden stockings rubbing against the sore skin as she moved towards the staircase.

"Wait." John called out as Missy made a bolt for the door. Fortunately his own strides were longer and he caught up with his girlfriend before she was two steps up the basement stairs.

"Wait please." He insisted catching her elbow and holding Missy in place on the narrow stairwell.

"Look John I'm sorry…I guess I am more tired than I realised." Missy floundered unable to meet his gaze as shame caused a burn of another kind on her cheeks. "Can we just forget tonight ever happened?"

"Apology accepted but I don't think forgetting about it is really good idea do you? I mean you're the professional here…" John trailed off his voice low and coaxing, relieved when Missy finally lifted her head to meet his gaze fixing him with a small smile as she shook her head. "You don't think there are times I pinch myself, that barely a second goes past that I think I am not good enough for you either?"

"Don't be daft…"

"It's true." John insisted holding her gaze as he brushed his fingertips lightly over her cheekbone. "I've been trapped inside my own fears for so damn long and then you came along and you helped me find a way to free myself, to find myself…I am in awe of your courage sometimes Missy and that is a hell of a lot more intimidating that bloody money let me tell you."

"You're just saying that to be nice."

"I am saying that because it is true!" John insisted refusing to brook her rebuttal, tucking an errant curl behind her ear before cupping her chin and tilting her lips up to meet his in a chaste kiss.

A kiss that quickly spiralled into John pressing her against the wall as their tongue duelled and they both fought to steal each other's breath.

Finally breaking away Missy whined at the loss of contact her hands gripping tightly onto John's shoulders as though afraid he would suddenly come to his senses and change his mind about being together. She had been a bitch to him for no good reason and Missy couldn't honestly think of a reason why John would still want to be with her after all of the petty things she had just said.

Sighing as he could still feel her tension John pressed a kiss to Missy's forehead before resting his own against hers, allowing him to stare deeply into her eyes, her pupils blown so wide in the dim light that there was only a thin edging of bright blue encircling them.

"So can we get past this, can you learn to put up with this stupidly big house and the fact I have money but can't bloody well find mugs in my own kitchen without having to look in every cupboard?"

"Only if you agree not stop calling yourself a coward or thinking there is any failure in being held prisoner by your fears!" Missy countered watching closely as John grimaced in the dim light but after a few moments acquiesced with a nod.

"I can try." John promised his throat dry as he swallowed.

"We can both try." Missy corrected him, a smile lighting up her face when this time John nodded more assuredly, before John's leg accidentally brushed against her burnt thigh and Missy couldn't hide her wince of the hiss of pain that escaped her lips.

"Come on." John insisted reaching down for her hand and slowly leading Missy up the stairs to the landing.

"Kicking me out after all?" Missy jested yet underneath there was a very real worry that that was exactly what John was intending.

"No." John replied simply and instead of leading her back along the hall to the front door he instead turned and began to lead her up the large oak staircase. "I'm going to run my girl a bath, and then I am going to turn this antique of a house upside down until I find the first aid kit…and then if you are very good I am going to tuck you up in my bed."

"With a bedtime story?" Missy teased lightly, this time without any real bite to her words, yet John still paused on the stairs to glance back down at her.

Amused by her reply John smiled and tugged on her hand until Missy was level with him once more and now on an equal footing they continued their journey, disappearing around the bend to the first floor John's amused reply drifting down into the empty hallway that suddenly no longer felt quite so cold and imposing.

"Only if you are very very good."

-/-


	3. Chapter 2 part 1

-/-

Sighing as he felt the silent phone vibrate under his pillow Dr John Smith groped for it and sloppily managed to switch it off. Staring up at the darkened ceiling John couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he had decided this was a good idea…no that was a lie, although he couldn't remember the exact moment John was certain it was around the time he received the second still polite yet rather nagging phone call from his publisher.

He was three weeks late with his last chapters and given his recent history of writer's block Douglas had more than reason enough to be concerned even if in this case his fears were unfounded. John was writing, writers block wasn't the problem this time, no the problem was the very demanding, distracting, infuriating at times woman who was blissfully asleep next to him.

No it wasn't Missy…it was him…he just couldn't keep up and his pride was keeping him from admitting it to anyone but himself and then only at four in the morning.

So instead here he was a man in his fifties setting his alarm and slipping out of bed, at four in the morning rather than admit to his girlfriend that he needed a night or two off. God he was pathetic, yet at least this way he was the only one who knew that and he could try and keep up the illusion of vigour and stamina at least to Missy.

Just until he got this first draft finished and sent in, then Douglas would cut him some slack and John could catch up with everything else he was supposed to be on top of… shopping… cooking… washing… sorting out the bills and paying the cleaner before she threatened to walk out again. Looking after himself was hard work. Looking after himself, finishing his novel and still keeping up with his beautiful girlfriend was proving impossible and John Smith felt tired to his bones.

Part of him just wanted to crawl back into bed next to the gorgeous brunette who was softly snoring on the guest pillow. Taking a moment to watch Missy sleep John smiled as her nose wrinkled as even in sleep she seems to be concentrating on something. Brushing the hair away from her face John tucked it safely behind her ear, his smile growing soft as Missy mumbled something in her sleep and burrowed her face into the pillow like a small child not wanting to wake up.

"Sleep tight darling." John whispered gently tucking the duvet around her shoulders before tiptoeing over to the bedroom door.

He was pretty certain he had it down now.

The first time he tried this he had tripped over one of Missy's heels and his heavy landing had woke Missy or perhaps it had been his cursing that had done it. Still John had been able to persuade her that he was just going to the bathroom and thankfully a still half asleep Missy had believed him.

By now John knew every squeaky floorboard in his bedroom…and the landing…and half of the staircase.

Making it down to his study John switched on the light and navigated his way through the haphazard piles of books to his desk where his typewriter was waiting. Running his hand through his bed hair John tugged on the long grey strands feeling the wiry curls stand up like bristles…great he needed a haircut as well. Although god knows when he was going to be able to fit that in?

After he was finished…

Well then he had better get started. Settling himself down behind the desk John ran his hands lovingly over the keys of his typewriter, squinting through his writing glasses at the half finished page that still sat in the machine. Huffing in irritation as the half-finished dialogue seemed clunky now he re-read it John ripped the page from the typewriter and scrunched it into a ball that he threw in the general direction of the waste bin.

If he was ever finished…

Gritting his teeth John fed in another piece of paper starting the scene over. He could do this, he could, just a week maybe ten days and it would be done and he could go back to getting some sleep.

-/-

John's side of the bed was empty and cold…again…

Staring up at the ceiling Dr Missy Saxon resisted the urge to throw a tantrum like a toddler might, she didn't scream or punch her pillow even though it would probably make her feel better, instead she simply clenched her fists and her teeth and tried very hard not to seethe too loudly.

The first time she had woken to an empty bed Missy had been confused. They were at John's house rather than her flat and it had been disorienting waking in a room that still felt strange without him there to anchor her. The house had suddenly felt even larger and grander and more alien as Missy had padded about searching for her lover who appeared to have vanished into thin air.

She had eventually found him of course and Missy now knew without having to look where John would be…in his study…with her…

It was ridiculous Missy knew that, but as days passed and she kept waking to an empty bed Missy found herself slowly growing jealous…of a fictional character. A fictional character based on herself no less. Yet when it came down to a choice between them Missy wasn't certain she would be the one who won and that stirred up feelings of inadequacy that Missy thought she had stomped out years ago.

Clearly she hadn't been as successful as Missy had once assumed and laying here in this large empty bed it was all too easy for those old voices to resurface. John had once said he wasn't sure who it was he was falling for; her or the version of her he had created in his head. Still it was impossible for a flesh and blood woman to possibly compete with this idealised muse that John had created. Muse's didn't have morning breath or wobbly bits or turn into a carb craving virago once a month.

The thrill is in the chase wasn't that what they said?

Well John Smith hadn't even been the one doing the chasing Missy had. Had she bullied him into this relationship? Did John now sit there in his study escaping from the reality of their relationship to indulge in something far more intimate with his Marsaili?

The fear of losing him was crippling her and logically Missy could analyse her own behaviour. If she was advising a client right now Missy knew she would be telling them to talk to their partner about how isolated they were feeling. Yet knowing the right thing to do and actually doing it were too different things. Instead Missy was trying every trick she possessed to keep John interested in her and not book her.

After all book her couldn't kiss him, or touch him, couldn't titillate him with sexy underwear or cause him to cry out her name over and over in bed. Yet Missy was concerned even her powerful sexual hold on John was waning, last night he almost looked reluctant when Missy suggested an early night, and they had only made love once before John had fallen asleep on her. And now she had woken to an empty bed…again…

Blinking back tears Missy pushed herself out of the bed, shivering in the cool air of this draftee monstrosity John called home. Hurrying into the bathroom she grabbed a quick shower doing her best to keep her hair out the spray. She didn't have time to wash it and Missy shuddered a little at the thought of having to go all day with unwashed hair.

Missy doubted it had even occurred to John how impossible it was for her when her practice was on the far side of town to get up and go home to change before making it in time for her first appointments. She had tried subtly suggesting that he stay at hers during the week, god knows he didn't have a time he had to be at work unlike her, but that suggestion had fallen on deaf ears. So instead Missy was having to shuttle back and forth bags in hand and it was slowly pissing her off.

There were mornings when she considered not coming back. She would stand there fuming in the shower saying tonight she just wouldn't turn up dinner in hand and drag John out of his study to eat and spend some time with her. Of course by the time evening came around Missy had changed her mind, the pull towards John Smith was just too strong to resist.

Getting out of the shower Missy grabbed the nearest towel, nose crinkling when she realised it was already damp and smelt more than little musty…John clearly needed to put this through a wash cycle but Missy was in too much of a hurry to be fussy. If he hadn't done it by the weekend Missy would put it in the bag for her dry cleaner along with the sheets. Missy had already found that any comments she had made about changing the bed sheets fell on deaf ears as well. John was clearly quite happy to lounge in sheets they had made love in but that was one step too far for Missy and so she had grudgingly taken on the task of laundry duty.

One glance at the bedside clock had Missy growling as she dragged on yesterday's clothes, choosing to forgo knickers rather than put on dirty ones, shoving the offending delicates into her handbag instead. Then in lightning speed she stripped the soiled sheets and shoved them viciously into the large Ikea bag. She didn't have time to remake the bed this morning and part of Missy took glee in the fact that if John wanted to nap during the day he would have to make the damn bed himself.

Grabbing the clunky laundry bag, her wash bag and her handbag Missy scanned the room for anything else…remembering to grab her charging phone from the bedside table before she made her heavy laden way down those ridiculously numerous stairs. Dumping the whole lot in the hallway Missy took a moment to catch her breath, the sharp noise of clacking confirmed her earlier suspicion John was already working in his study.

Moving to the door Missy leant against the frame, her earlier irritation waning slightly as she caught sight of her lover scowling down at the page in front of him silver grey hair sticking up all over the place like he had stuck his fingers in some electrical socket.

"John…" Missy began gently, her irritation returning when John clearly didn't hear her and so she raised her voice slightly. "John."

Startled by the sudden noise John didn't mean to glare at her, only he was in the middle of a complicated scene and already he could feel the threads of it slipping away from him. "What?"

"I don't have long but do you want to join me for breakfast?" Missy prompted forcing down her anger and plastering a cajoling smile across her lips instead.

"Sorry I already ate." John replied, dismissing Missy from his thoughts as his mind returned to the half completed page in front of him and so missing her smile fall only to be replaced by a glare of her own.

"Fine." Missy huffed pushing herself away from the door and making her way alone down to the basement kitchen.

Stepping into the room it was only too evident that John had already eaten, there was an abandoned bowl on the dining table, the evidence of spilt milk and a soggy tea bag staining the work top. Wrinkling her nose Missy chose to ignore it instead she marched over to the coffee machine growling when she found the filter pot empty save for a dribble at the bottom.

Fine then tea and cereal it was.

Opening the fridge Missy winced at how starkly empty it was. Honestly it wasn't any wonder John remained a skinny beanpole of a man Missy was convinced if it wasn't for her bringing dinner home with her every night that he would end up forgetting to eat at all. Scanning the shelves Missy felt her rage swell as she caught sight of the milk…or more to the point the lack of milk.

Picking up the plastic carton Missy gave it a shake. John had used it all up on himself there was barely dribble enough to turn a cup of tea muddy brown let alone enough for breakfast. That was it…that was the last straw.

Slamming the empty fridge closed Missy stomped her way up the stairs her eyes falling on the bag of laundry. Drawing back her foot she kicked the bag once and then again and again. Angry tears building up but Missy refused to let them fall. Stifling a scream Missy reached up and picked up the bag before turning and marching over to the door to John's study.

He didn't even look up as Missy arrived, yet John's eyes certainly looked up from his typewriter and widened in surprise as a cascade of mussed white linen was upended out of the bag and landed in the doorway of his study.

"Missy what the hell are you…"

"Fuck you!" Missy spat back at him, there now she had his attention.

Only right now Missy knew she was too close to crying to stay and ball him out of it, and unlike John she still had to go to work and she wasn't going to let him make her late as well as making her cry. Grabbing her coat and her bags Missy quickly found her heels where she had kicked them off by the front door, jabbing her feet in them as she strode to the front door.

The one thing about this house that Missy actually liked was that the front door made a really loud noise when it slammed behind her. Shivering in the February weather as she pulled on her coat, ignoring the interested glances from John's professional neighbours as they piled into their expensive cars, Missy didn't look back.

Standing in the doorway John watched confused and upset as Missy stormed away without so much as an explanation or a goodbye. Part of him wanted to run after her and shake her or hug her until Missy told him what had caused such an outburst, yet it was freezing outside and John didn't know where his shoes were…no that was an excuse…he was afraid too, afraid Missy might say things that John didn't want to hear. So instead he watched as she stormed off down the street before closing the door to shut out the cold.

He would talk to her tonight…he would make an effort get a bottle of wine, set the table and put some candles out.

That's if she came back, a certain nagging voice muttered darkly, yet that fear John quickly supressed. Of course she was coming back, Missy lo…cared about him, just like he did for her and things would get better soon….all the sooner if he could finish this damn book.

Decision made John picked his way over the sheets in the doorway of his study, seating himself behind his typewriter and quickly becoming immersed in his own world once more.

-/-


	4. Chapter 2 part 2

-/-

She wasn't going to John's tonight.

Fine so it was petty and childish Missy Saxon admitted that. She knew she was doing the exact opposite of what she would advise a client to do, but honestly if Missy walked in that door dinner in hand and found him still sat behind that typewriter with those dirty sheets still languishing in the doorway…well she doubted very much she would be able to contain herself to a simple "fuck you".

So it wasn't hiding, it was simply self-preservation, the chance to cool down before her hot temper made her say or do something Missy knew she would regret more than swearing and storming out.

Sensing eyes on her Missy looked up to see her secretary, coat on hovering nervously. Mary didn't need to be psychic to pick up on her souring mood; Missy knew she had been increasingly snappish with her long suffering secretary over the last week. Missy only wondered what could possibly cause Mary to risk baiting the dragon in its den; if it had been her she would have beaten a hasty retreat but clearly Mary was made of sterner stuff.

"I've finished the filing and typed up those letters you wanted…" Mary began hesitantly when Missy looked up from her reading.

"And...and I've rearranged all your morning appointments so that you don't need to be until 9.30." Mary added surprising Missy who sat back in her desk chair.

Missy hadn't asked Mary to do that and clearly expecting an outburst her secretary ploughed on before Missy could open her mouth. "You've been almost late every day this week and I just thought this would be easier?"

Squashing down her immediate reaction which was to bite her secretary's head off for such presumption Missy sighed and took off her reading glasses to rub her nose. "Thank you." She managed to mutter.

It was a thoughtful gesture and god knows it couldn't have been an easy feat to accomplish; it was certainly over and above what most secretaries would think to do. Forcing down her unprofessional emotions Missy lifted her head and fixed a nervous Mary with a rare smile. "Really thank you I do appreciate it…I know I haven't been the nicest person to work with this week…"

"Being in love is difficult." Mary replied with a shy smile of her own as she played with the tie of her winter coat. "I do still remember…"

"Says the woman who has been happily married for the last thirty five years." Missy snorted shucking in amusement. "You should be the one sitting behind this desk Mary not me."

"Oh no I wouldn't have the patience." Mary quickly replied. "Honestly I would just want to bang people's heads against the wall, reading your notes is bad enough, I couldn't imagine having to sit and listen to it as well."

"Yes well if you were behind the desk what would your advice be?" Missy asked the older woman suddenly finding the desk top fascinating as she could feel a blush building on her cheeks.

"I take it you had a fight?"

"Yes and no." Missy shrugged her shoulders and sighed. "He pissed me off so I told him…where he could go…" Missy rephrased it diplomatically knowing Mary's more conservative background, "And then I stormed off before he could say anything…Honestly I don't even know if he even tried."

"Missy the man had a fight with a locked closet over you." Mary reminded her, both women's lips twisting as they glanced towards the cupboard in question. "I think it's safe to say he tried and if your John is anything like my Eric he is probably sitting there trying to puzzle out what it was he did to set you off."

"Is this your less than subtle way of telling me to talk to him?" Missy huffed leaning back in her chair.

"You're the professional Missy you already know what you should do." Mary replied gently a sympathetic smile playing around her lips. "It's hard getting used to being with someone, not just dating and holidays but being with someone day in and out when all the real parts them come out and not just the bits they want to show off. There are going to be things about them that infuriate you and things about you that do likewise…somethings can be changed but somethings can't and shouldn't try to force someone to change because you don't like that part of them. If you are going to love them you have to love all of them."

"Warts and all." Missy rephrased it, not surprised when Mary nodded. "I guess I might have over reacted a little…"

"And I imagine he deserved it but you need to tell him what set you off not sit here hiding or are you trying to punish him?"

Sinking down into her chair Missy felt her blush deepen, put like that it sounded more than petty, it sounded cruel.

"If you really want this man, if you want this relationship to work then please don't play games not with someone's heart and certainly not with your own." Mary chided her gently and Missy felt the hot prickle of shame behind her eyelids.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't tell me tell him that!" Mary retorted laughing at Missy's stunned expression. "It was just a silly fight nothing to cry about but don't let it fester into something it isn't."

"Alright alright you've convinced me women." Missy replied a shaky smile pulling at her lips as she suddenly began to cram everything she owned back into her handbag, the sudden urge to leave her office growing like never before.

-/-

Shit…oh shit…

When had it gotten so late? John was certain it had only been an hour ago that it was lunchtime and he had dragged himself from his writing long enough to pop to the delicatessen around the corner. Whilst there John had crammed a basket full of things that could make a romantic dinner without the need for him to actually cook anything.

Wine, cheese, bread, Iberico ham, olives, some stuffed artichoke things and he had even managed to bribe, cajole, plead with the owner to let him have the pretty flower arrangement as well. Yet all of his planning would be for nought if Missy turned up and caught him with nothing done, it would almost be as bad as if he hadn't bothered at all.

Then his gaze fell on the pile of sheets that he had only moved to one side earlier. John wasn't sure what it was about the laundry that had caused Missy to lose her rag at him earlier but he wasn't stupid enough to risk her returning home with them still sitting there.

Laundry right he could do laundry…after all he used to do his own laundry back when he had been a student.

Gathering up the pile of sheets John practically tripped over his long legs in his haste to make it downstairs. Reaching the kitchen John was faced with another quandary…he had a washing machine in here somewhere it was just a question of finding it. Flinging open cupboard doors John was very relieved to find that not only did he have a washing machine but there was also a tumble dryer as well.

Only well they didn't look exactly like he remembered. Oh there was still the little window in the front but instead of the knobs that you just turned around to select the right type of wash there were a myriad of buttons instead. Managing to get the door open John shoved the sheets inside, it was a tight fit but he managed it and then he shut the door.

Right now washing powder…scouring the cupboards once again John began to despair of ever finding washing powder. There were dishwasher tablets and washing up liquid and something call fabric softener and some weird looking gel packs but John couldn't imagine what they were used for. Well there was nothing else for it John recalled one his friends had once used washing up liquid in a pinch.

Pulling open the drawer in the washing machine John squirted in a good measure of the washing up liquid, pausing for a moment before squirting in some more. Right that should do it. Frowning at the buttons John pressed the one for cotton then when the damn display started flashing he kept pressing until the damn thing started. Right that hadn't been that hard.

Now he just had to find some candles, open the wine, set the table and all before…

The buzz of the front door had John cursing, reaching into the fridge he removed the things he had brought from the deli and managed somehow to juggle them onto some plates. The flowers were easy, they came in a vase and John put them in the middle of the table….candles…there were some in the guest bathroom…Clara's attempt at interior design that for a moment made John's stomach twinge with guilt.

The repeated pressing of the front door bell cut off any feelings of guilt and instead John grabbed the bottle of wine he had opened earlier to breathe and poured a large glass of the Rioja. Taking the basement stairs two at a time John made into the hallway and rushed over to the front door. Glass in hand he pulled the door open relieved beyond measure when his girlfriend still stood there, a little cold and a little wary but she didn't look like she was about to yell at him again.

"I'm sorry…" "I didn't mean to…"

Both spoke at once and then stopped embarrassed but relieved expressions flittering across both faces.

John wasn't sure if he was the one who moved first or perhaps it was Missy but it was almost as if some magnetic force suddenly pulled them together and them came together effortlessly…only John forgot for a moment about the wine and Missy didn't notice it…well neither of them did not until it was arching up and then down…all over them and well most of the doorstep.

Triple shit.

Cringing John waited for the explosion, only when it came it wasn't exactly the eruption he expected. Missy was laughing, proper full belly laughs and John was so relieved she wasn't mad at him that he joined in.

"This wasn't what I planned I swear." John insisted a he tugged a laughing shivering Missy inside and shut the door. "I bought food I even got flowers. So much for a romantic evening in I can't even get that right."

"Oh you silly man." Missy teased grasping John firmly by his wine stained jumper and pulling him close so she could lean up and lick the wine off of his cheek before kissing him gently. "Hmmm I'm not sure who tastes better you or the wine?"

Kissing her back John relished the simple pleasure of just holding Missy, after this morning's outburst he had began to worry that he might never get another chance to. "How about I go and get the rest of the bottle and you go and run us both a bath…"

"Bathing together how very modern of you Dr Smith." Missy replied smoothing her hand down his jumper as her expression suddenly turned serious. "John about what I said this morning…I shouldn't have spoken to you like that and I am sorry."

"Thank you and you are forgiven on one condition." John replied softly catching Missy's chin and lifting up her gaze to meet his. "You are going to have to explain what it was I did that pissed you off so much, I mean I think I know but you need to spell it out for me…I guess I'm just not good at relationships but I want to be…I don't want to lose you darling not if there is anything in my power to prevent it."

Preening slightly under both John's intense gaze and his rarely used endearment that had her toes practically curling Missy nodded in agreement, she would tell him, but first she had a bath to run.

"Wine first though." Missy insisted after all if she was going to talk about this then first she needed liquid fortification.

"As my lady commands." John bowed slightly ushering Missy towards the stairs.

Standing back John enjoyed the view as Missy sashayed her way up the long staircase. Pausing until she disappeared from view John beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen. It would take Missy a few minutes to run the bath and that was plenty of time for him to finish setting the table. It was going to work, it might have been a little shaky there for a moment or two but John Smith was certain that despite the illusion of failure that had hung over the whole evening for a few moments, from now on everything was going to be just perfect.

-/-

Hmmm what that man could do with his hands should be positively illegal. After half an hour in a hot bath, two large glasses of wine and the rather sensual massage John had spoiled her with, Missy felt like she was about to melt into a puddle of pure bliss.

"Hmmm you are very good with those hands of yours." Missy sighed blissfully as she leant back against John's chest, turning her head so she could rest her cheek against his skin and hear his heart beat under her ear.

"Well it's easy when I have such inspiration." John replied softly hands carding through her wet curls as he twirled a strand around his finger. Resting his chin on the top her head John wrapped his other arm snuggly around Missy's torso anchoring her safely in his arms before he broached the one subject they needed to but as yet hadn't talked about.

"Are you ready to talk now?" John asked tentatively feeling Missy tense in his arms.

For a moment Missy considered pretending she hadn't heard him but she wasn't a coward, at least she tried not to be. Yet after all the effort John had made this evening Missy couldn't help but feel a little ashamed about her morning outburst. She had a right to be cross with him but the way she went about expressing that was akin to a child having a tantrum not a fully grown woman.

Feeling her hesitance John gathered his own courage, it had been a hard learnt lesson but John knew that when he wanted Missy to lower her shields that attempt was a hell of a lot more successful if he lowered his first.

"I think I have an idea…I think that you had finally had enough of my tendency to forget about all those normal everyday things like doing the laundry or going food shopping…I am hopeless at looking after myself Missy I know that and I suppose I just expected you to step in and pick it up without even talking to you about it. You're my girlfriend not my mother or my housekeeper and I took it for granted and didn't thank you when you stepped in to help me. I was ungrateful and I am sorry…I will try to get better at it."

"It's not that…" Missy mumbled into his chest, the guilty feeling in her stomach only multiplying as her boyfriend apologised. "Well not only that, I mean I don't mind sorting out the laundry when I have time or picking up dinner…I have to feed myself so it's not any harder to bring food for two."

Waiting for her continue John felt like he was balancing on a knife edge, he had assumed he knew what was bothering Missy and it was something he was already trying to change, but when she said there was more that really frightened him. The only consolation was that from the grip Missy had on his arm she clearly didn't want him to leave and so she probably wasn't about to break up with him.

"I…I hate waking up alone. It feels like…and I know this sounds stupid…like you can't wait to leave me to spend time with her…" Missy finally admitted before burrowing her head into John's chest, hiding her embarrassed flush from John's gaze.

Frowning it took John far too long to interpret what Missy was saying; surely she couldn't mean…Missy couldn't be saying she was jealous of a fictional character?

"You can't think I want to leave you?" John spluttered in surprise causing Missy to finally lift her head and meet his gaze. "Do you think I like having to get up leaving you in my bed?"

"You do it." Missy retorted hotly. "You do it all the time what else am I supposed to think John?"

Groaning John shook his head relief springing up that clearly showed on his face and John cupped Missy's face between his hands even as Missy scowled up at him. "I never ever want to leave you alone my darling and that I am afraid is at the heart of our problem."

"Now you are making no bloody sense John."

"I'm running behind on my deadlines." John replied simply, watching as understanding spread across Missy's face. "My publisher is screaming bloody murder and I've been cramming in as many hours as I can early in the morning and during the day precisely so I can spend as much time with you as I can."

"Oh…oh…" Missy gasped not resisting as John drew her closer and took advantage of her open mouth to kiss her deeply.

"God I feel like such an idiot." Missy muttered as they pulled apart, tears of relief and embarrassment clouding her blue eyes. "I thought…I can't believe what I thought…"

"I'm the idiot I should I have just told you." John insisted. "I guess I just got out of the habit of having to explain my work to anyone else…being a writer can be somewhat antisocial and hard on my relationships. Normally I just shut myself up in my study and barely emerge until I am done but you are such a tempting distraction I simply cannot help myself."

Tiptoeing fingertips up John's chest Missy swung one leg over until she was straddling him, savouring his surprised expression and the way those magnificent eyebrows of his shot up towards his hairline at suddenly having her breasts swinging in his eye line. "A tempting distraction? I don't think I've ever been called that before."

"A very beautiful and sexy distraction." John replied swallowing down the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat, hands moving of their own accord back under the water to slide over her hips and cup her arse.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm." Missy mused arching her back and wiggling enticingly her breasts swaying dangerously close to John's face as she reached down and caught his chin forcing his gaze up to meet her own before she issued her challenge. "Prove it!"

-/-

Sodden and yet satisfied…well almost…John Smith stomach gave a loud growl in protest as he plodded down the long staircase dressing gown clad. It might not have turned out exactly the way he had planned but John couldn't complain, in fact things had probably gone better this way. Still that didn't mean he couldn't spoil his girl a little and finish off the evening the way it deserved.

The filched candles were heavy in his pockets and John was rather smug at the way he had been able to swipe them whilst Missy was preoccupied with wringing out her hair. He had left her battling with the antique hairdryer leaving John just enough to time to pop down to the kitchen, open another bottle of wine and finish setting the table.

Whistling a jaunty tune as he made his way down the basement stairs John's first sign that something was wrong was when his foot slipped on the floor.

Grabbing hold of the balustrade to keep himself from falling over John switched on the kitchen lights revealing the full extent of the problem to his horrified gaze….

Bubbles….bubbles everywhere…they covered the flagstone floor in some sort of bizarre homebound foam party.

John's eyes quickly narrowed in on the culprit…the washing machine…bubbles were pouring out of the gap in the detergent drawer…the drawer he had put washing up liquid in instead of washing powder.

"Right I am buying you a new hairdryer!" Missy's voice echoed down the stairwell and panicked John shot back up the stairs, shutting the door to the kitchen firmly behind him and meeting Missy halfway.

"Did you forget something?" Missy teased as John blocked her way.

"Urgh no but I was thinking it would be more romantic if I brought it up to you…"

"And get crumbs in the bed no thank you!" Missy retorted playfully pushing lightly on John's chest surprised when he didn't move and a rather panicked glint entered his eyes.

"I have a dining room…"

"John what's going on?" Missy questioned her gaze narrowing before she ducked quickly under John's arm and made a mad dash down the stairs.

"Missy please don't…" John began following his girlfriend down yet he was too late to stop her opening the door and revealing the scene behind the door.

"Oh my god what did you do?" Missy gasped her hand leaping to her mouth as she surveyed the mess; glancing back over her shoulder she caught sight of John's devastated expression.

The laughter bubbled up and out of her mouth before she could stop it, and then once it was loose there was no reining it in.

"It's not funny." John began primly as Missy's laughter caused her to double over and lean against the wall for support.

"It….is…" Missy managed to gasp before another round of giggles burst free. "You doofus."

"I was just trying to do something nice." John's protest sounded pathetic even to his own ears but clearly Missy didn't mind his pitiful state, her grin melting into a sympathetic smile.

"Oh my darling useless boy right now you are too adorable for words."

Considering there were two positives in that sentence and only one negative…although the use of boy instead of man was borderline…well John decided to quit whilst he was ahead as clearly his attempt however useless had earned him Missy's pity if not her admiration.

"You really do need looking after don't you." Missy added fondly as she reached up and stroked his face.

"As long as it is you offering to do the looking after." John replied feigning neediness as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled Missy's body firmly against his own.

"Me and a very competent cleaner I think." Missy corrected him, eyebrows raised expectantly and John nodded in the right place.

"Oh yes." John insisted a twinkle of mischief in his eyes as he bent down and whispered in her ear. "I would prefer to restrict your kneeling based activities to that of a far more specialised kind."

Rolling her eyes at his blatant angling Missy prodded John firmly in the stomach. "Maybe later but first Dr Smith I think something else has come up." She added nodding pointedly at the foamy mess.

Resigned to his fate John sighed and nodded, surprising Missy by lifting her suddenly and wading through the foam to set her safely on the dining room table. Getting out the candles from his pocket he set them on the table next to the flowers, pressing a kiss to Missy's lips before he grudgingly moved to the sink to retrieve whatever cleaning supplies he could find.

So much for finishing off the evening on a high yet as Missy settled down on the dining table and leant down to smell his flowers John quickly realised it could have been worse…much worse. They still had each other and their first proper fight was behind them and they had come through it stronger and with a deeper understanding of each other. That was worth more than a kitchen full of bubbles.

-/-


	5. Chapter 3

-/-

It was done…well the first draft at least and although Doctor John Smith knew he had weeks of edits and redrafting to look forward to, the backbreaking work of getting down the story and the dialogue was complete and that was something to celebrate. Yet as pleased as John was about finishing the bulk of his writing his delight was more pronounced at finally being able to spend some undistracted time with his girlfriend.

Missy had been a rock during the last few weeks. John knew she missed him just as much as he had missed being with her but after their frank discussion Missy had insisted on staying at her own flat several nights in the week so that John could work undistracted. He appreciated the gesture yet he hated how cold and empty it made his bed, instead John had fallen back into bad habits and the sofa in his study was once again in use.

But not tonight…tonight he would spend in a certain brunette's bed….well if he could move from her comfy sofa. Rubbing his full stomach John let out a satisfied groan as he lowered himself down and snuggled into the soft cushions.

"You have spoiled me." The affection laden in his tone as he watched as his girlfriend began to clear the dinner table. Eyes caressing her form gently as they shared a smile as John snuggled down in the comfortable embrace of the sofa, the lull of the heavy home cooked dinner warming him through as he watched Missy through heavy lidded eyes.

"Well you deserve spoiling. I'm convinced you forget to eat when I don't feed you." Missy retorted with a wink in his direction as she stacked their plates and moved behind the oriental screen that separated the lounge from the kitchenette to dump them in the sink for the morning.

They both deserved spoiling in her opinion and Missy Saxon had a plan to ensure that both of them got their just desserts. She had a whole weekend planned, there was a new art exhibition that she had put off seeing, waiting to visit with John, she had tickets to an afternoon jazz concert and as for Sunday…well that day was invented for lazing around in bed…the thought of which brought a mischievous smile to Missy's painted lips…John Smith would not know what hit him…

It had been a tough few weeks, John had been working long hours and more often than not Missy had only seen him to cuddle up to in bed when he finally turned in. Yet even that was better than spending nights alone back at her flat. Her home was still more welcoming than John's large impersonal pile and yet for the first time even her flat felt…well like something was missing…or more to the point someone.

In some ways this sudden neediness frightened Missy. She had spent the years since her arrival in London running away from this sort of relationship, of letting someone in close enough that their presence or the lack of it could affect her. Control, of herself, of her environment had once been everything that she had striven for and been capable of, yet here she was throwing all that away and doing it gladly.

John Smith was her drug of choice and right now Missy was itching for a fix.

Their active sex life had taken a nose dive to barely a trickle and often Missy had been forced to take matters into her own hands as she lay awake in an empty bed John's scent all around her. So with the first draft finished and in anticipation of an orgasm or two that she wasn't responsible for Missy had decided that a special effort was required.

So she did something she rarely did…she cooked.

Ok so she could admit to herself that perhaps she had cheated a bit. But she wasn't going to ruin her manicure peeling veg when you could buy it all prepped in one of those handy little trays, and so what if the meat joint came boned and rolled and stuffed? Missy put in the oven and she didn't burn it that was cooking. Besides she had made the toast herself and cut it up and sliced the pate.

Now dinner just needed the finishing touch, and Missy smiled in anticipation as the shop bought chocolate sauce warmed in the microwave. The plump red strawberries had just needed washing and slicing, so it was hardly a Michelin star meal but Missy was proud that she had successfully cooked dinner for her man. Now it was time for her reward…

Slipping out of her clothes and unpinning her hair Missy caught her reflection in the window and admired her saucy underwear that she bought especially to surprise John, the apricot coloured slip was barely that as it skimmed her bottom and was so very sheer that the curves of her body could easily be see through it….especially with the backlighting provided by the kitchen. Picking up the warm chocolate and strawberries she sashayed sexily out from around the screen that divided the little kitchenette from the living room. "Surprise…"

The sound of light snoring was the only reaction; it seemed she had spoiled her lover so thoroughly with wine and food that he had fallen asleep on her couch.

Disappointed Missy could almost cry and she barely restrained herself from slamming the two bowls down on the coffee table. This was not how tonight was meant to go, they were meant to make love, they were meant to laugh and tease each other, they were meant to fall asleep together in each other's arms…she was going to tell him tonight that she lo…

Staring down at the sleeping John Missy resisted the urge to shout at him, he was lucky he looked adorable all stretched out like that, messy silver grey curls flopping down onto his forehead. Reaching down Missy brushed them away from his face, a smile curling about her lips as John turned and nuzzled into her palm muttering something unintelligible as he exhaled.

Glancing down at her slumbering lover Missy felt the flicker of a naughty idea dance through her mind. Her entrance had been ruined but that didn't mean the night had to be written off entirely. Settling down gently she crawled up her sleeping lover, her hands roaming freely as she moved savouring the little murmurs and twitches as John responded. Finally straddling his waist Missy dipped her finger in the chocolate sauce and smearing it lightly across John's lips which she then proceeded to lick and kiss off.

Stirring under her little kisses John licked his own lips, surprised when they came away sweet. Sleepily he opened his eyes, his vision full of a blurry Missy's face. Reaching up semi-blindly John mussed her loose hair, a contented affectionate smile playing about his lips at having her so near. "Hello…did I doze off?"

"Hmmm you did you naughty boy." Missy pouted leaning into his touch. "But not to worry I brought you your dessert." Missy teased gently dipping her finger into the chocolate and sucking it suggestively from her digit before leaning down and nipping at his jaw and neck; unbuttoning the top few buttons on his shirt and sucking lightly over his pulse point.

"Hmmm honestly Missy I couldn't eat another bite." John mumbled obliviously, stretching out on the couch, his arm reaching up and wrapping around Missy's waist tugging her down from her seductive pose to snuggle against him. "Just…cuddle…"

Blowing her hair out of her face from her rather inglorious position trapped under John's chin and encircled by his arms Missy barely managed to stifle her huff of disappointment as a moment later the buzz of snoring once more filled the air.

-/-

It was already light when Missy woke up, there was a crick in her neck and her damn pillow was moving so she punched it till it stopped.

"Good morning to you to." A sleep roughened voice muttered near her ear and Missy tilted her head up, her gaze falling on John who was unusually close and who wore an amused expression on his face as he grasped her little fist and pressed a kiss to the clenched knuckles.

"Urghh right morning." Missy huffed as the memories of the night before slowly came back to her souring her mood further and she rested her head back on John's chest.

As far as she could see there was nothing remotely good about it and with the nagging aches from having slept on the sofa and John Missy couldn't see it improving anytime soon. Wincing Missy reached up to rub her neck, trying her best to ease that ache.

"Sore neck?" John muttered reaching up and pushing Missy's hand out of the way, running his own fingers firmly across her skin and massaging at the sore muscles. "That's really tight."

"Slept funny." Missy muttered sullenly pressing her face into his chest and sighing as John's magic fingers slowly managed to remove the ache. "Next time you fall asleep on the sofa I am going to leave you to it."

"And leave me all cold and alone?" John teased whispering into the mop of hair that hid Missy's face.

"You'd deserve it." Missy retorted bitterly. "You fell asleep on me."

"That's your own fault you fed me too well." John answered tartly, starting as Missy's nails poked him in the soft spot under his ribs. "Ouch woman peace will you?"

"No…you don't deserve it." Missy countered mulishly, tilting up her head, resting her chin on his chest so she could glare at him with mascara smeared eyes as her nails continued to prod and pinch. "I put a lot of thought and effort into last night, I was looking forward to it all week and then my bloody boyfriend fell asleep on me."

"I am sure he is very very sorry." John replied as solemnly as he rubbed off the smeared make up with his thumb, but there was no restraining an amused smirk that played about his lips as Missy continued to scowl adorably. "And if it is any consolation he is wide awake now and willing to make amends…"

"Who bloody says I am interested in your amends? " Missy huffed. "I even bought something special to mark the occasion and you didn't even notice." Missy added petulantly turning her head as John tried to capture her lips, his kiss landing on her cheek.

Pushing herself up out of his embrace Missy scowled down at her boyfriend who didn't even have the decency to meet her gaze. "Are you even listening to me John?

"I am…" John grunted yet his gaze remained locked further south. The sheer negligée that Missy was almost wearing really did leave very little to the imagination and John could not tear his eyes away from tracing the outline of her nipples through the fabric.

"You don't look like you are listening to me." Missy huffed as one glance was enough to confirm where John's real attention lay, and although part of her was pleased that she had caught his attention the majority of her was still cross and not in the mood to indulge him.

"hmmm I am…This is very nice…it looks beautiful on you…" He added as his fingers reached out to touch the soft material, a feeling of panic twisting in his gut as Missy moved as if to leave.

Hiding her smirk Missy moved to slide off of him, only the sudden heat of John's hands as they captured her hips stopped her. "Oh you have got to be j…" Missy began only for her protest to be cut off as John cupped the back of her neck and pulled her mouth down to meet his.

For a moment Missy considered not responding, yet it was only for a moment; resisting John Smith simply wasn't in her DNA and Missy sighed happily into the kiss before playfully biting down on John's bottom lip.

"Hmmm." She moaned hands frantically tugging at John's clothing as her previous itch flared up and the need to have him returned tenfold. Abandoning the half unfastened shirt Missy fumbled with his belt, unbuttoning his fly and slipping her hand inside John's trousers.

"You seem to have a one track mind my darling." John teased his eyebrows shooting up into his hairline as he felt Missy's fingers on him. A blush threatening as Missy seemed determined to skip the usual preliminaries and get right down to it, whilst John barely had his engine running. "There is no rush…"

"Is!" Missy insisted slipping her negligée off of her shoulders and grasping one of John's hands positioned it over her bare breast.

"Missy slow down…we have all the time we need." John squirmed, the sudden pressure to perform crowding him, and a growing sense of inadequacy colouring his cheeks as he could feel Missy touching him with increasingly vigorous strokes and yet instead of making him harder…

He was going soft…on her…Missy couldn't believe it and then out of nowhere John's mobile rang.

"Leave it." It wasn't a suggestion and John knew that but mobile or not there was no distracting from his lack of an erection.

"I…I'm sorry." John muttered avoiding Missy's gaze out of sheer embarrassment; dropping his hand from her breast and tugging the straps of her pretty negligee back up her arms.

Dumbfounded Missy could only stare down at him, her lover who couldn't even bear to look at her. This was what she had been afraid of, that John would lose interest in her sexually, and then slowly he would lose interest in her entirely. Opening her mouth to mutter some meaningless platitude like it didn't matter, Missy was cut off when John's phone rang again shattering the awkward silence.

"I'd better get that." John spoke softly his blue grey eyes raking up over his silent girlfriend who was still straddling him. Easing her off of him John rummaged in his discarded jacket and pulled out his phone, recognising the number he flipped it open, grateful for the momentary distraction. "Douglas yes of course I can talk, no…no I wasn't doing anything important how can I help you?"

His publisher…Missy barely resisted the urge to smack the phone out of John's hands when he insisted he wasn't doing anything important…or more to the point anyone… instead she settled for a strategic withdrawal before she could make any already difficult situation worse.

Stalking into the bedroom Missy discarded her negligée on the bed striding naked into the bathroom where she turned on the shower. Stepping under the powerful spray Missy finally allowed the frustrated tears to fall before scrubbing at her face and her smudged makeup until her skin felt red and rather sore. She wanted to scream out her frustration, all her careful plans were disintegrating before her eyes. Instead Missy settled for slamming her palms against the wet tiles, the flashes of pain a reminder that this really was real and not just one of her nightmares.

Forcing herself to take calming breaths Missy reached for her shampoo, vigorously massaging it into her hair before rinsing it off under the spray. Repeating the process with her conditioner Missy was almost calm by the end of her shower, calm enough to face John again and try to get to the bottom of his sudden lack of interest in well her. They just had to talk about this, like they eventually did about the chores and John's work, it would be fine if they talked. She was probably overreacting, he was probably still tired from working so hard, and there were other ways for them to be close and spend time together. It would be alright, this didn't have to a be a big deal if Missy didn't let it…there was still the art gallery and the jazz gig to look forward to and just spending time with John.

Resolved on a plan of action Missy stepped out of the shower, grabbing some towels and roughly towelled her wet hair. Wandering slowly back into the bedroom and when John didn't appear moving back into the lounge, her tenuous hold on her temper slipped as she caught a fully dressed John gathering his things together as if preparing to leave.

"Doing a runner dear?" Missy spoke, her sudden reappearance startling John who almost dropped his phone in surprise.

"No…I was going to tell you." John insisted forcing himself to meet Missy's gaze, his humiliation only growing as those bright blue eyes of hers bore into his expectantly. "I'm sorry Missy I have to go it's my publisher, he wants to get together with my editor to go through the preliminary edits on my draft."

"Well that's one I haven't heard before." Missy muttered under her breath before forcing a smile that no doubt looked rather incongruous with her glare. "And this can't wait till Monday?"

"No I'm sorry it really can't Douglas is about to go on holiday this is the last time I see him until he comes back from Miami."

"How nice for him." Missy replied bitterly tugging on her towel as she suddenly regretted not stopping for her dressing gown, maybe then she wouldn't feel quite so cold or exposed. "And how very convenient for you."

"Missy he has been such a good friend that I can't say no when has asks me this, many other publishers would have dropped me after the year I've just had." John insisted yet the protective way his girlfriend hugged herself wasn't lost on him even as her bitter words stung him and only added to his own feelings of inadequacy.

It did sound convenient and John would be lying if he wasn't a little relieved to have a genuine excuse to leave and thusly avoid having to talk about his own failings, John honestly wasn't sure he would ever be ready to talk about that...not with her. Missy had done everything she could over the last few weeks to support him and right when a real boyfriend would be showing her just how much he appreciated it John just…well he just couldn't…and he couldn't put his finger on why not.

"It's just I made plans." Missy replied softly resisting the burning behind her eyes. No she was not going to do this, not in front of him; she was not going to be the girlfriend that cried that used tears as some sort of emotional blackmail. "There's this new exhibition and then there's a show on at the jazz club."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know." John replied and he was, he really was sorry to let her down again. "I already told Douglas I'd come in."

"It was meant to be a surprise." Missy shrugged, swallowing down her tears before she lifted her gaze to meet John's watching as his eyebrows did that scrunched up scowly thing that she hated. "It doesn't matter now."

"It does matter and we'll go soon I promise." John insisted the guilty feeling in his stomach only growing as Missy seemed like he had knocked the wind right out of her. "Sweetheart I really am sorry about this, believe me this is not how I wanted today to go and I will make it up to you." And he meant it, about everything, and John tried to convey this in his gaze relieved when the hurt in her eyes seemed to abate slightly.

Placated Missy nodded, venturing a half smile she practically sighed in relief as John crossed the room and pulled her gently into his arms. Resting her damp head against his broad shoulder Missy tightened her hold on John for a moment, breathing in his scent and the feel of his arms around her. "It's just that I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you more." John insisted pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I'm the one who is going to be stuck in a room with two of the words worst pedants as they pick my pride and joy apart line by line…this is not going to be fun."

"Hmmm that actually does make me feel a little better." Missy retorted smugly, giggling briefly as John tutted in response. "Well I am not cooking again so I'll make a reservation for dinner if you remember to let me know when you'll be finished..."

"Actually…" John began nervously freezing slightly as Missy lifted her head from his shoulder and fixed him with that laser stare of hers. "These meetings tend to be all day, we tend to work through and then Douglas takes us out afterwards…he mentioned something about dinner at the Ivy…"

"Dinner?" Missy couldn't help her tone as she pushed herself out of John's loosening embrace. "You can't honestly expect me to…"

"A working dinner. Trust me I wouldn't want to expose you to Douglas and Eddie, not after today at least." John insisted placatingly. "It will probably finish early and I can be back here around eight or at the latest nine."

"So as well as losing our Saturday together I'm now just supposed to wait around until you come home, whenever the hell that is! I am half minded to give Douglas a piece of my mind for being so inconsiderate, I mean just because his wife probably doesn't give a damn whether he's around or not he must have realised that this was your first weekend off…"

Then it clicked in Missy's mind and she stepped back. "You didn't tell him you had other plans did you."

"Well I didn't know that I did…"

"You knew you were going to spend the day with me, you could have told him you had to check with me first I am your girlfriend…" Missy began only to stop as John suddenly couldn't meet her gaze. "Does Douglas even know I exist?" Missy asked her voice deceptively soft but there was no hiding the steel in her tone. "Or am I just your dirty secret?"

"Darling it's complicated." John began reaching out not surprised when Missy brushed off his touch like it had scolded her.

"No it's really not really I'm supposed to be your girlfriend John it's not something you have to be ashamed of or is it me you're ashamed of?" Missy demanded eyes scanning his face for any sign that confirmed her deepest fears…that he was…that there was a part of him that actually regretted trading in the pretty young Clara for her, even if it was just his ego.

"No!" John snapped back. "No this is not about you…look I just…I fucked up ok…I didn't really get round to telling my colleagues that I had broken up with Clara…"

"If she's invited tonight and I'm not…"

"Missy don't be ridiculous, no I've told Douglas now that we broke up but that's why he insists on having dinner he thinks he needs to cheer me up, and well I didn't think it would sound particularly good to tell him in the same call that I had broken up with one girlfriend and I'm already…well...with someone else." John added as Missy's eyebrow raised pointedly as if to question why bloody not. "I was a cheater Missy for the first time in my life, it's not something I am proud of, and not something I want people to know about. I am going to tell people about us but just…just not just yet ok?"

"No it's not ok but I don't really have any say in it do I, in any of it." Missy replied not able to hide her hurt not from him. "So go and enjoy your day and your boys night out but don't you dare come back here afterwards."

"Missy…"

"No I mean it John I won't have you turning up here drunk at god knows what time just because you fancy a quick shag...not that you could manage it anyway." Missy added spitefully. Unable to stop herself, and probably taking more satisfaction in John's surprised and hurt expression than was healthy, and yet it felt good for a moment to be able to inflict some damage of her own.

It was a low blow. It stung his pride and hit him right in an already sore place. It took all of the restraint John possessed not to retaliate, not to escalate a situation that was already spiralling rapidly out of control. Missy was hurting because of him, because he had let her down. She was punching for a fight and only a real idiot would give her one.

"I'll choose to believe you didn't really mean that. And I will call you when I get free ok, it might be early…"

Biting her lip Missy forced herself to nod, to not flinch away when John pressed a farewell kiss to her cheek. He wouldn't call she knew he wouldn't, he'd go out with his friends and stay out rather than come back to a woman he was already losing interest in.

-/-


	6. Chapter 4

Naughty version on A03

-/-

To an outside observer it might look like Doctor John Smith was sulking or at the very least brooding, well he wasn't he was thinking. He had tried not to. In fact during the day John had done his best to do as little thinking as possible. Yet as he sat at the dinner table glass of merlot in hand, as Douglas regaled them with his stories that John had probably heard a dozen times before, well it was impossible to avoid forever.

He was a terrible boyfriend. That was the conclusion John had come to after only a few proper moments of introspection.

Oh he had suspected it before. Normally when his latest in a long line of lovers had finally gotten sick of whatever he was doing or not doing for them and left him, sometimes for another man, often just because they insisted they had to for their own sanity. It used to bother him…well more like irritate him if he was being honest, normally because for him their sudden fits, tears and accusations seemed to come out of nowhere.

The Doctor was a man disciplined in science and even he couldn't ignore that there was one correlating factor in all of these breakups…him.

So he would feel guilty for a little while but then work would come along and absorb him and then another young lady would appear and for a while everything would be wonderful but it always ended the same way. At first John had assumed that this was normal, and when he was younger he supposed it appeared so, after all his friends seemed to break up and make up with their partners on a regular basis until well they didn't…until they settled down and got married and had kids.

John had known that life had never been for him, the idea of being tied to one place or one person for the rest of your life well that had terrified him. So perhaps that had caused him to treat his relationships as something that were transient. He knew that they would end someday so why invest all of yourself in something with no real future?

Oh there were occasions when he had come close to changing his mind, some of his past lovers had been so brilliant and remarkable that John had been dazzled by the fact that they chose to be with him…the tall and slightly awkward bastard boy from Glasgow who still felt like he wasn't good enough, that he had to keep proving his worth…to who John had long since given up wondering. Maybe it was to himself? It certainly wasn't to the Mother who had all but abandoned him, or the Father who never stuck around long enough to even know him at all.

It really didn't matter, what did were the consequences.

He had sabotaged his past relationships through his self-absorption and idiot that he was he was still doing it.

"Doctor that tablecloth might spontaneously combust if you keep glaring at it like that."

Hearing his name The Doctor jolted out of his painful thoughts surprised to find the attention of the table on him.

"Sorry just wool-gathering." He replied forcing a smile when Douglas continued to watch him closely. "I am just a little tired. You see I have this publisher who has been nagging me to finish my book…"

Laughing Douglas shook his head. "Fine blame me all you like Doctor but I am not buying it and what I think you need is not more sleep but a little less of it…ehhh?" He added turning to eyeball their companions who seemed to be in on a joke that John had missed.

"Actually I was planning on calling it an early night…"

"Nonsense old chap, we never get you out and now that you are you cannot think we will let you sulk off back to the empty house of yours."

"Douglas…" John began only to be cut off by his old friend who slapped several notes down on the table to cover their bill.

"No Doctor there is no arguing with me on this, besides we have a cunning plan to cheer you up."

"I don't need cheering up…" John insisted yet from the way everyone laughed they seemed to think he had told a joke, only he wasn't joking. "No really…"

Only Douglas wasn't listening, he slung his arm around The Doctor's shoulders and ushered him towards the doors. "Don't worry Doctor by the end of this evening I guarantee you will have forgotten who Clara Oswald was."

-/-

Missy was going to kill him.

Doctor John Smith was pinned to his seat by a combination of terror and panic…and to be honest he couldn't have moved if he wanted to…not without touching what he was not supposed to touch under any circumstances.

As the G-string clad stripper ground down into his lap John began to recite pie under his breath whilst trying not to look at the large tanned breasts that were being thrust into his face. When pie failed and John couldn't exactly look away he distracted himself with thoughts that his lap dancer's tits whilst sizeable and pert really weren't a patch on his girlfriends, at least Missy's were real and felt soft and warm under his palm whereas the blonde trying her best to arouse him probably had breasts that felt like a hard-boiled egg.

Ten minutes had never seemed to last so long and John couldn't resist a glance at his Rolex watching as the second hand ticked around wishing that time would go faster. Just a few more minutes then he could leave. He had indulged his friends and colleagues enough as it didn't take John long to realise that the old boys were just using his recent breakup as an excuse to indulge themselves. Married men the lot of them and they were carrying on like a bunch of twenty year olds on a stag do.

He should have just left the moment he realised that this was not merely a gentleman's club but a high class strip club, he certainly shouldn't have allowed Douglas to trap him with a double whisky and a skimpily dressed blonde called Candy who barely looked legal.

He wanted his girlfriend.

John wasn't sure if he just wanted Missy to come and rescue him from the mess he had made out of his own stupidity and cowardice or if it was just the reassurance of being able to hold her and comfort himself that he hadn't already screwed up the best thing that had happened to him in….well probably ever. She was gorgeous and brilliant and for some reason wanted him, and not just the successful Doctor John Smith that the world saw but the man who was still finding his feet.

"I'm sorry…" John finally couldn't take it anymore. The naked girl, the loud pounding music, the guilt that he was here and not home with Missy sorting things out. He had to leave. "I need to…"

When Candy practically wiggled her now naked pussy in his face John snapped. He didn't mean to touch her but there was no way of getting out otherwise. Yet the moment his hands touched her Candy screamed like he grabbed hold of her tits instead of just pushing against her waist with his open palms. A moment later two burly security guards descended and grabbed him roughly.

"Look I don't want any trouble I just want to leave." John shouted out as they pulled his arms back roughly.

"Oh don't worry mate you are!" One of them grunted in his ear as they dragged him over to the exit.

"Doctor… Wait that's my friend." Douglas had finally noticed the commotion and was trailing behind them like a small Scottish duckling. "Look chaps I am sure he didn't mean it…"

John had never relished the sting of cold fresh air or the chill of January rain quite so much in his life…although he could have done without the shove that left him sprawling on the wet pavement in one of his best suits.

"What the hell happened?" Douglas demanded as he helped his friend up, confused as hell to find John smiling. "Have you finally lost your marbles man?"

"No I've finally found them." John insisted, doing his best to wipe off the wet city grime and only succeeding in spreading it around. Great more laundry.

"Doctor..." Douglas paused as he studied his friend closely his concern clear on his face. "I have known you for years…decades even and I honestly thought I would never be more worried about you than when you…well you know." Douglas added carefully, the subject of the Doctor's time held as a hostage was still a taboo subject even between them. "But I thought things were getting better, you seemed more…more…"

"More like my old self." John finished for him turning and meeting his old friend's gaze. "And I am but I also don't want to be."

"Doctor you are not making any sense."

"John my name is John, The Doctor is just a mask Douglas as well you know." John replied offering his hand to his old friend relieved when he took it and shook it as if they were meeting each other for the first time. "Well I am tired of hiding and I really don't care if the world prefers The Doctor I am going to try and be John Smith from now on."

"Doctor…John." Douglas corrected himself with an embarrassed smile. "I just worry after everything that happened and now with Clara leaving…"

"Douglas Clara didn't just leave I broke up with her." John confessed forcing himself to hold Douglas's gaze as his old friend stared at him in astonishment.

"But why…why would you do that?"

Sighing John pushed damp curls out of his face. "For many reasons, because it was the right thing to do and…" John paused tugging on his hair as he fought down his natural desire to hide anything that might make him look bad. "There was someone else…there is someone else and she's everything I could want and nothing that I deserve." John admitted surprised how much a relief it was to finally admit it.

"oh…Oh…" Douglas finally caught up. "But why didn't you just say so man? I wouldn't have been half so worried if I had known…I certainly wouldn't have dragged you here. "

Shaking his head John only wished he had a decent answer to that question. There was no decent reason, no reason other than perception of shame and hang ups from his own past. "I know, I am sorry, I should have just told you."

"Yes you should have." Douglas huffed, eyeing John with a knowing gaze. "Why do I suspect you are already in the dog house?"

"Because I am and I deserve to be." John replied snorting in gallows humour. "And it will take some Booker winning grovelling to get me out of it but I assure you she's worth every second."

"Well then I suggest you get started and I wish you luck and if there is anything I can do to help…"

"I'll let you know." John finished with a genuine smile, his mind already working over an idea that might bear fruit as he moved towards the main road intent on finding himself a cab. "Enjoy your holiday and don't worry. I'll be fine I promise."

Standing in the doorway Douglas watched in bemusement as John smiled and waved at him jauntily. "Are you not even going to tell me this miracle workers name?"

Pausing at the corner John turned back a mischievous look dancing across his face. "You should be able to guess that Douglas I've hardly been subtle about it."

Then he was gone leaving Douglas alone to frown in the rain before inspiration struck and he was left gaping. "Well I never…"

-/-

She had given up.

Well for tonight at least. Missy had tried drumming up the enthusiasm to do all the things she planned even without John; it wasn't like she wouldn't know people at either the gallery or the gig. They weren't exactly what she would call friends, more like acquaintances with similar tastes and interests but it was enough to pass the time. It was what she would have done before…before she started this relationship and everything had become about John Smith.

Missy knew she should have gotten her arse in gear and gone anyway. That would have been the healthy thing to do instead of sitting here in her slobby clothes slowly eating her way through a family size carton of ice cream and watching weepy black and white romances on her laptop. She was Missy Saxon and she had been through and survived worse things than John Smith the selfish arse.

Tomorrow she would get herself together. She would put on her make-up and dress for confidence and do something productive, go to the bookshop maybe and find some new field of study to throw herself into for a while. Anything would be better than sitting here moping.

But she would allow herself tonight, to wallow and to sniffle and pretend it was the movie that made her sad. Shoving ice cream down her throat by the tonne if necessary to avoid giving into another craving.

Buzzzzz…buzzzz…

Missy didn't need to look at her mobile, she didn't want to, but she didn't need to check to know it was John calling. She had turned it onto silent for a reason and now as she watched it vibrate its way across the coffee table Missy couldn't help but glare at her phone like it had personally offended her. Leaning forward she snatched it up her finger poised over the answer button before her wavering resolve strengthened and instead she rammed it down between the sofa cushions, smothering the buzzing noise.

There out of sight out of mind.

Settling back into the soft sofa cushions Missy toyed with the handle of her spoon trailing it idly through the melting ice cream. Feeling the phone buzz once more, this time in a short burst, a message Missy resisted the urge to check it...for…at least thirty seconds. Her hand groping down into the bowels of the sofa she cringed for a moment as her fingertips encountered all sorts of dusty crumbly things that showed it had been far too long since she had hoovered underneath the cushions. Finally finding her phone she blew off a few dust bunnies and opened up the message.

Please come and let me in.

John was here…right now…what the hell was he doing here?

Clutching her phone tightly in her hand Missy glanced towards the rain splattered window the curtains were open letting in the glow of the street lights…she could easily just peek out…Her phone buzzed again, another message and guiltily Missy glanced at it.

Missy I know you're there I can see the lights on.

Damn now she couldn't even pretend to be out enjoying herself without him. Scowling down at her phone Missy quickly typed her reply.

I told you not to come over.

A second later his reply arrived.

You didn't really mean that and I am here now and it's raining.

I did too mean it and if you get soaked through it's your own fault.

Missy please I'll get sick and then you'll have to look after me.

Why would I have to look after you, you're a grown man and I'm not your mother remember.

Believe me I do remember and considering my mother practically abandoned me that is not a comparison anyone would want…please Darling we need to talk…I need to talk…

Damn him he just had to use the poor abandoned child card followed by the d word. Pushing herself off of the sofa Missy made it three quarters of the way down the stairs before she realised what she was wearing. She knew it was vain of her but there was no way she could let John see her like this. Missy was certain that his interest in her was waning and seeing her no make-up, her hair thrown up in a messy bun, in her slobby tracky bottoms and oversized university sweatshirt well that would hardly encourage him to stay.

"Missy please just open the door it is freezing out here." John's voice echoed through the letter box and the desperation in his voice drew her down the remaining steps.

"Then go home and get warm." Missy replied petulantly resting her forehead against the cold wooden door.

"No." John retorted stubbornly as he leant against the wet door spreading out his long fingers as he leant against it. "I will stand here until you let me in, I'll wait all night if I have to."

"Then you really will get sick you idiot." Missy huffed a half smile tugging at her lips despite herself. "I am going back upstairs now…"

"No don't…please…you don't have to let me but please just listen." John pleaded straining his hearing for any sign that Missy was still there listening to him and hoping that she was. "I am so sorry for how I behaved last night and this morning. I know I am a terrible boyfriend, I am selfish and self-absorbed and I have been that way for years and to be honest I've just expected everyone else to put up with it. I've always lived my life the way I wanted and other people fitted in or they left and I thought that was the ways things were…the way things should be…I thought that was normal…"

Silent Missy listened as John seemed to stop and struggle, his voice sounded rough and uncertain, so very unlike him that even if she wanted to leave Missy just couldn't do it. She couldn't just turn and leave him when he was bearing his soul to her.

"But I'm not normal. All my life I've kept people out never let them get close enough to really hurt me. I thought when my lovers would find someone else or just leave me that it was there problem, that they just couldn't measure up, but I was wrong it wasn't them who couldn't keep up it was me. I…I…am not a good man, not a good partner, but I want to be. I don't want to lose you because of my hang ups, I want to let you in and I don't want to hurt your feelings...Missy…Missy are you still there?"

"I'm still here." Missy answered not sure whether she was imaging it or not but it seemed like John sighed in relief.

She was listening…she hadn't left him to stew in his own juice and John was surprised by the sheer wave of relief that washed over him. He hadn't completely fucked this up there was still time to put things right.

"I want to try and change, I don't expect you to just believe me I know I'll have to prove it. I took the first step today, I told Douglas the truth. I told him how you were everything I wanted and nothing I deserved. I know this doesn't make up for making you think I was ashamed to be with you…I'm not… I could never be ashamed of you it was only my own behaviour that I was ashamed of. I should have told Clara sooner that things were over between us, I knew…I knew I was falling for you and yet I did nothing but drag you into my mess of a life because I was too selfish and too much of a coward to step up and do the right thing. I know I don't deserve it, I know I don't deserve you but can you please give me another chance?"

She wanted to, god knows that man had a way with words and right now there was nothing Missy wanted more but what difference would it make? John was losing interest in her; why else would he not so much as mention her to his friends, why else would he show no sexual interest in her? Even if she gave him another chance, even if he did change, surely that would just mean he would tire of her all the sooner?

"Missy?" John could feel his panic growing when Missy didn't answer. Had he hurt her feelings so badly that she was honestly debating the question or was she just thinking of the right words to let him down gently.

"Alright."

The answer was softly spoken but John still caught it, and something in his chest did a strange little leap. Smiling despite the rain and the cold John wanted to reach through the door and hold Missy close. "Now please will you let me in?"

Squirming Missy was torn between the desire to let him in and the absolute certainty that she couldn't let John see her looking like this not if she wanted him to fancy her ever again. "No…I'm sorry I can't."

Frowning as he glared at the shut door it took a moment for John to believe what he had heard. For a moment his mind raced jumping to all the worst possible reasons as to why Missy wouldn't let him in…no she couldn't…she wouldn't have someone else there and yet why else would she refuse to let him in?

"Darling I am not leaving until I have kissed you." John insisted. "I will stay here all night and I'll probably catch pneumonia."

"You can't catch pneumonia." Missy retorted a small smile playing about her lips.

"I'm sure if I stay out in this rain much longer I will manage it." John added. "Just let me in, I don't have to stay if you don't want but at least let me dry off…"

"Only if you promise not to look…"

"Not to look at what?"

"At me…I'm not…I don't want you seeing me like this." Missy confessed squirming as admitted her own weakness, perhaps it was vanity or perhaps self-preservation but she wasn't 25 anymore.

"Like what? Missy are you sick or something?"

Rolling her eyes as John misunderstood Missy replied. "No…Look I'm not properly dressed…so you can come in but only if you promise."

"Woman I have seen you stark bollock naked why would it matter if you're not properly dressed? Fine it's ridiculous but I promise." John closed his eyes when as promised as the door unlocked and Missy reached out to pull him inside.

"God you really are drenched I'll get you a towel."

Sighing in relief as the sudden warmth enveloped him John couldn't help but feel incredibly foolish as he listened to Missy dart up the stairs. Shivering he unbuttoned and shrugged off his soaked suit jacket, right about now he really missed his dark grey gabardine overcoat but there had hardly been an opportune moment to retrieve it whilst be thrown out by the bouncers.

Fumbling for the coat hooks he cursed the pointlessness of the exercise, opening his eyes to avoid walking into a bloody wall. Beside he was inside now and Missy would find it a far harder task to throw him out than keeping him out had been. Even so he didn't mean to turn and look when he heard Missy's footsteps on the stairs…it was just a normal thing to do and when he caught of sight of her, a few seconds before she realised he had, well John was perplexed as to why she had even demanded he close his eyes in the first place.

"You…you b… bloody sod you promised." Missy spat angrily throwing the towel at her boyfriend who had the nerve to damn well smirk at her. "I told you I didn't want you seeing me like this."

Picking the towel up from the floor John ran it roughly over his wet curls as he stalked across the small hallway to his angry and yet perhaps it was more self-conscious girlfriend who was fiddling nervously with her uncoifed hair.

"Like what…gorgeous." John mused his understanding growing as Missy glared at him as though he was making fun or being sarcastic. "You really don't think that you are beautiful do you?"

Snorting in amusement Missy shook her head, fine if John wanted to play silly beggars let him but she was so not in the mood for it right now.

Catching Missy's arm before she could turn and leave him dripping all over her hallway John tugged her down the last two steps, wrapping his arm around her waist and threading his other hand into the mop of ratty curls he pulled her mouth up to meet his own. Firm lips pressed down and John gladly swallowed Missy's little gasp of surprise as she was well and truly kissed. Tongue slipping between her parted lips, flicking playfully against her own whilst John did his best to steal the breath from her.

Her lips felt slightly bruised when they finally pulled apart Missy staring up dazed as John stared down smugly into her upturned face. "You are gorgeous I won't listen to any more nonsense."

"And you are freezing." Missy retorted finally finding the power to speak once more.

"Then perhaps you ought to warm me up." John replied those wilful eyebrows of his waggling suggestively. "Hmmm but first I think…" Yes that was an idea and so wonderful poignant considering where they were, the memories of that first encounter between them was literally burnt into John's memory.

"John?" Missy asked started when he boyfriend suddenly stepped back his hand loosening from her hair and sliding down along the curve of her spine until it reached her waist where it dipped under the large sweatshirt and began to tug it up.

Allowing him to pull it off her Missy felt her cheeks redden like an innocent as John's hungry gaze ran over her exposed skin, her camisole covered enough but the material was thin and there was nothing that could hide how her nipples hardened from a combination of the sudden cold and the sudden heat of John's stare.

She wanted to ask what he was playing at yet the weight of his stare and the sense of expectation hung heavy in the air, the silence between them was loaded and Missy was loath to be the one to break the spell. The hand on her hip sat there innocently the most John was doing was rubbing little circles over her hip bone, something that should hardly have been erotic and yet…Perhaps it had really been too long or perhaps it was the way John's gaze seemed to be devouring her but Missy felt her skin goosebump with excitement, every tiny touch seemed to be sending electric shocks across her body.

Pressing on her hip as he stepped forward, like dancing Missy mimicked his movement only jolting with surprise when the edge of the hall table nudged the back of her thighs. Leaning back as John pinned her firmly against the thin table Missy literally shivered as his darkened gaze raked over her body, lingering on her aroused breasts before dropping to where their bodies were pressed together. Taking one hand at a time John lifted them to his lips, kissing her palms, her fingers and then her knuckles before pressed them back down and curling Missy's fingers over the edge of the table.

"John." Missy hated the whine she could hear in her voice, she didn't beg, begging was for other people but right now she was getting dangerously close to it and she hated and loved it in equal measure. Clearly her lover had his own plan and he was going to take his damn time about it and from the telling way John had pressed her hands down into the table he didn't want her interfering.

Hearing the desire in Missy's voice John smiled, not a smug smirk, but one of confidence that reinforced that this time he was the one in control. His cold fingertips moved over her skin like an artist's brush on a canvas, drawing lines and shapes, teasing little touches that made her skin prickle.

The connection between them felt primal and powerful and John couldn't help the possessive feelings that overcame him as he closed the remaining distance between them and finally gave Missy the touches she had been craving…Mine…mine….mine…every touch or kiss or bite to her skin was like John was writing his name over and through her body and soul. He was never going to give her up, no other man was ever going to touch her she was his, only his and as Missy cried out and fell over the edge John savoured the drop before allowing himself to fall.

mine…mine…mine… it was like a mantra as he felt his heart racing and Missy's hands in his hair holding him close and pressing sweat stained kisses to his brow.

Finally catching his breath John lifted his gaze finding Missy's eyes and savouring the look of pure joy reflected back at him. If he hadn't known it before he knew it now, his heart literally seemed to want to beat out of his chest. For the first time in his life John Smith was in love…head over heels…desperately…terrifyingly in love and he had not the first clue what he was supposed to do next.

-/-


	7. Chapter 5

-/-

One morning she was going to catch him, but even the threat of discovery couldn't stop John from watching Missy Saxon sleep. He was fascinated by the little faces she pulls, the little mumbles that should be words and he couldn't quite decipher…well other than his own name and Missy said that quite a lot.

The last week had been an exercise in torture every time he looked at her John could feel his heart race as though it wanted to beat its way out of his chest. Yet every time he thought he had found the courage to say those words out loud and not just in his head his courage failed him and doubts crowded in. What if Missy didn't feel the same, he couldn't blame her he hadn't done anything recently to make himself particularly loveable, so perhaps he had gone overboard a little trying to compensate.

Perhaps flowers everyday was a little too much but John hadn't been able to help himself. Other than waiting for his editor to get back to him with suggested re-writes John had precious little else to occupy his time. So every time it seemed he passed a florists John could not stop himself from going inside and picking up something. Missy's secretary Mary was slowly running out of places to put the flowers yet she always smiled at him when he arrived to take her boss out for lunch, certainly a better reception than their first meeting.

Other than flowers and showering her with his attention John admitted he was having problems keeping his hands to himself. It wasn't even always sexual, just a need to be touching her whenever it was humanly possible. He could only think what he looked like, a love struck puppy following her around and whining for her attention.

Waking up a tired Missy before her alarm with a soft kiss and muttered good morning was always a dangerous activity but John persisted anyway, he wanted his voice to be the first thing she heard in the morning rather than that dratted blaring noise.

Blinking up at him Missy yawned, savouring the moment as John leant down and kissed her again. Missy wasn't ignorant of the sudden surge in affectionate behaviour from her boyfriend but rather than make him self-conscious by drawing attention to it she luxuriated in it. Even so being the focus of his thoughts was more than a little exhausting and Missy still felt tired; she couldn't stifle a second yawn.

"Come on sleepyhead." John teased her slightly as Missy's eyes drifted closed again and instead of getting up snuggled her face into his shoulder.

"It's your fault you kept me up half the night." Missy grumbled how John could have energy at this hour she couldn't understand. "Just a few more minutes…"

A slight frown gathering between his eyebrows as Missy looked to him like she was going to drop back off to sleep John studied her closely, this time really looking; Missy did look a little pale.

"Right I need to get some food into you I think." John muttered more to himself than Missy who appeared to be snoozing. "That will wake you up."

"We are not having breakfast in bed, bloody crumbs get everywhere." Missy insisted putting her foot down before John could scamper off with his madcap notion.

"Alright then we can grab breakfast on the way."

"On the way where?" Missy replied resigned to the fact that John wasn't going to let her sleep in and besides… "I have to go to work."

"I know but I'm going back to mine so I might as well walk with you and we can grab a quick breakfast at the bakery."

"Oh I might have known cake was involved, nothing to do with me at all…"

"Believe me it is just a happy coincidence." John cut her off, pulling off the duvet before Missy could stop him. "Now unless you want to be late…"

Grumbling under her breath Missy allowed him to shoo her in the direction of the bathroom. Perhaps a shower would help wake her up? It couldn't exactly hurt.

After shooing Missy into the bathroom John glanced at the sleep mussed bed linen. He knew that Missy would just strip it off the moment she got back, and although John couldn't understand his girlfriend's fastidiousness when it came to changing the sheets so regularly, he quickly realised that he didn't need to. They all had their little quirks and this was one of Missy's. John actually now found it amusing that she insisted on changing and making the bed so often but he couldn't deny it was certainly more pleasant.

By his guess he had a few minutes, it barely took that to strip the bed, finding the laundry bag that Missy used and shoving the dirty sheets inside. A satisfied little smile played about his lips at the thought of Missy's pleased reaction when she got out of the shower to find her task half done already; John decided to join her, he could do with a quick shower himself. Slipping into the bathroom he stopped surprised to hear Missy singing, she had a good voice and for a moment John stood there and listened…well until Missy spotted him.

"You jerk you could have let me know…"

"I was just enjoying the show, it was rather good." John teased her, opening the shower door and slipping into the cubicle, gamefully catching the sponge a cross Missy flung at him.

"Thank you dear." John added rubbing her lotion clad sponge over his chest before dropping it the floor.

It was decidedly domestic and Missy couldn't help the little smile as John accepted her scented shampoo without complaint and quickly rubbed it into those gorgeous silver curls of his. Finishing rinsing out her own hair Missy stepped out from the spray to allow John to move under it admiring him freely as he closed his eyes and shook his head to try and get the longish curls out of his face. With his hair slicked back John did look different, more sharp and angular somehow but no less handsome. He opened his eyes and caught her watching him and Missy smiled smugly, he wasn't the only who could be a voyeur. However instead of being unsettled John merely grinned back leaning down to press a kiss to her smiling mouth.

Giggling as John kept kissing her, first her mouth, then her cheek, then her nose until Missy finally batted him away. She hadn't seen this silly playful side to him before, it made him seem impossibly young as though the silver fox package was merely a disguise and inside was really some silly teenager. "Stop it. You're going to make me late."

"Ahh my cunning plan has been discovered."

Leaving him to finish in the shower Missy grabbed a towel and moved to the sink to brush her teeth, glancing up she caught John watching her in the mirror and the look on his face actually brought her out in goosebumps. There was such open affection on his face that Missy was both delighted and little nervous, her stomach churning in response. She was suddenly glad of a walk before breakfast as she doubted she could eat her breakfast right now even if John had prepared it…damn the man he made her feel full of butterflies.

Leaving him in the bathroom Missy rushed back into the bedroom, pausing for a moment when she caught sight of the already stripped the bed. Hairdryer in hand she made a rough job of her hair, there was no time to curl the ends under instead Missy retrieved some hair pins and put it up in a chignon. Her weekday make up was a routine she had down pat and even John padding back into the bedroom in a towel and rummaging through his bag for some clean clothes didn't distract her. Although it did get her thinking and the words were out her mouth before she could censor them.

"Perhaps I should clear you out some space in my closet."

Surprised by the sudden and generous offer John was actually struck dumb for a moment. Missy was right it would make sense and…

Taking his lack of reply as a sign that she has made a faux pas of some sort Missy babbled on... "Of course you don't have to…"

Spurred into action John pulled on his boxers, moving over he rested his hands on Missy's bare shoulders leaning down and pressing a kiss to the top of her head, "That would be very kind, and it would make sense for you to have some clothes at mine as well…after all I think I should be able to find some space", John teased and Missy mock glared at him before a smile broke free, her cheeks pink with a natural blush.

Reluctantly brushing John's hands from her shoulder Missy moved to her closet picking out an outfit for the day. It was drizzling slightly right now but it had been below freezing overnight so it was probably icy and they were walking so a sensible pair of shoes were needed, her nice black patent loafers would do and paired with some fitted charcoal grey trousers and a black silk blouse that should pass for work.

John by contrast managed to dress quickly, he only had one clean change of clothes and he knew Missy would raise an eyebrow at his tartan print trousers and t-shirt combo but it wasn't like he was going anywhere important today. So instead he stretched out on the unmade bed enjoying his second favourite activity, watching Missy get dressed…His favourite was naturally the converse but there was something wonderful voyeuristic about watching his girlfriend pick her underwear for the day and even better getting to see her put them on knowing that evening he'd be the one taking them off. No stockings today which was a shame…but the black lace looked pretty against her fading tan.

"Enjoying yourself Dr Smith."

"Enjoying the view." John retorted cheekily waggling his eyebrows as Missy turned and mock glared at him.

"Pervert."

"Guilty as charged."

Laughing Missy finished dressing putting some diamond studs into her ears and with a spritz of perfume she was finished.

Eager to be on their way John bounced off the bed, picking up the laundry before Missy could earning him a grateful smile. "I might as well drop it off on my way home save you a trip and we can spend longer over breakfast."

"Hmm not just a pretty face are you?"

Coats on they left the house, Missy shuddering as the icy wind blew a gust down the street and she started walking briskly to keep warm. Stopping in surprise when John reached down to take her hand and Missy glanced up at him questioning. Affection behind closed doors was one thing but out here where everyone could see, well that was very different and Missy could help how her heart gave a lurch…she wanted to let herself take his gesture at face value but… However with a simply squeeze of her fingers John eased her uncertainty and Missy fell back in step with him; biting her lip to keep an idiotic grin from spreading over her face as she threaded her fingers in between his talented ones.

Soon, she would tell him soon, Missy promised leaning against John's arm deliberately brushing against him as they wandered down the street. Not daring to look up because she knew her face would betray her and John wouldn't need to hear her say out loud that she loved him, he would be able to see it for himself. Yet if she had glanced up even for a moment she would have seen the mirror of her unspoken feelings on John's face.

-/-

John was bored he had spent his morning whiling away the time; it was still odd having free time and being able to go out and do something with it. Normally he would have hung about the house but Constance had been there and despite the fact that his cleaning lady actually huffed a good morning at him, indicating that the cold war between them was slowly thawing, John still felt awkward being in the house when she was there. So he allowed his feet to lead him where they may, he had time to kill after all and Missy was unable to meet him for lunch today a fact that had John quietly sulking.

It wasn't a surprise that he ended up at the British Library; it had been a particular foible of his since he started writing books to wander through the stacks and try and spot one of his own books. If he found it John would sneakily sign it before putting it back and if he wasn't in the most requested then he would take one of the many classics on display and pop along to the reading room. It had been ages since he had sat down and read a book for pleasure; John didn't consider those he had to wade through for research really reading.

Today he wasn't surprised not to find one of his own books, he hadn't been on the bestseller list for a while and it had been a couple of years since he had published anything. So instead John selected a copy of Great Expectation. He was just settled back in a favourite out of the way corner and he heard the unmistakable sound of children…on mass…school children…

Cringing John sank back into his chair. It wasn't that he didn't like children, no that wasn't entirely being honest, children as a group terrified him. They were just so loud and unpredictable and although John appreciated spontaneity in adults, in anyone under the age of 18 well it was less exciting and more bordering on an explosive situation likely to blow up in his face. The odd individual child he could tolerate, for an hour maybe two depending on the age or intelligence but John had never felt the compulsion the rest of his species seemed to have to procreate. No he liked his life just the way it was thank you and that did not include dirty nappies or midnight feedings.

With any luck the group was just passing through. John had noticed in the lobby an advertisement for the anniversary of the publication of Alice in Wonderland and that the library was running talks and readings of the famous book so they were probably just here to gawp before being ushered off to one of those.

"Courtney put that back."

Oh no…His eyes falling closed John counted to twenty before daring to open them and turn to peak around the side of his chair his suspicions confirmed as he caught sight of a sulky teenage girl with mutiny written all over her face and the speaker, who was barely taller than her student whose face spoke to all who saw it that this was not someone to mess with. The scowling teenager caught John gawking and stuck her tongue out at him and startled and panicked John turned back into his seat, hunkering down and doing his best to hide behind his book before her teacher could catch on.

"Honestly is it any wonder you've been banned from practically all school trips." Clara's familiar voice sounded tired and a little strained and John was surprised that he noticed.

His former girlfriend would certainly be surprised that was for sure, as for an intelligent man she had often accused him of having little emotional empathy for others, too self-absorbed in his own creations to really focus on those around him and their needs. Perhaps it was that self-absorption that was to blame but John didn't hear the footsteps until it was too late, one set heeled and other clumpy and clearly reluctant as they dragged along probably scuffing the floor.

"I'm sorry to disturb you but my student has…something… to say…"

It wasn't hard to hear just when in Clara's little speech she had recognised him and squirming with a guilt John lowered the book he had been futilely trying to hide behind catching sight of large brown eyes blown even wider with shock.

Choosing to play along and not make it any more difficult on Clara than this awkward situation already was, John forced his gaze to move to the less than contrite Courtney…yes that was the girl's name… "I am listening Miss Courtney."

Wrinkling her nose at even the prospect of apologising Courtney shot one last rebellious glance up at her teacher, surprised to see Miss Oswald staring at the old geezer like she had seen a ghost or something. Yet there was no way she was going to be let go without apologising, even weirded out Miss Oswald was a right stickler for stuff like that. Shifting on her shoes Courtney shrugged her shoulders. "I'm sorry for the thing alright?"

Well it was probably the worst apology John had even actually received, he shuddered at the choice of phrasing and the grammar alone…Still he had no desire to drag this out. "Apology accepted."

"Courtney go back to the others and behave." Clara finally managed to find her teacher voice waiting until her student was firmly out of earshot, even glaring at the girl when she actually attempted to linger and eavesdrop. "Sorry about her…she's just a little…"

"Impossible?" John suggested one eyebrow rising as if to emphasis his point.

"I was going to choose challenging but either would work." Clara replied her dark gaze taking the moment to study John now that they were alone…He looked good, his hair was a little longer than normal and his once pale skin held a little colour that was clearly not from London in winter. By contrast she felt pale and washed too thin, and it hurt to see John clearly moving on his life without her…without worrying about her and what had become of her after their split. "You look well."

"Thank you." John accepted Clara's compliment as graciously as he could even though he wanted to squirm under her piercing gaze, those big brown eyes stirring up feelings of guilt that he knew wouldn't just go away just because he was happy.

"This would be the point where a normal person would say something nice back Doctor." Clara prompted him, shaking her head in disbelief and dark amusement as clearly somethings hadn't changed.

"I know." John admitted and yet as he cast his gaze over Clara's and even with those impossibly large brown eyes of hers as a distraction John couldn't help but notice her once slender frame now looked positively skinny either that or she was deliberately wearing unflattering baggy clothes because it was fashionable and there seemed to be dark circles under her eyes that even make up couldn't make go away entirely.

"Well that's friendly." Clara retorted self-consciously as she tucked a loose lock of her brown bob behind her ear. She knew she had looked better. Every day when she managed to drag herself out of bed and had to struggle through her morning routine doing her best to avoid looking too long in the mirror Clara knew she couldn't go on like this and yet until being confronted with the very person responsible Clara had been doing her best to avoid doing so.

"Are you trying to get me to leave because you could just say so rather than being rude or trying to hide rather than saying hello when you first saw me?"

Well she wasn't exactly wrong but hearing Clara say it out loud John had to admit it sounded worse than it thought.

"No…Yes….I panicked." John admitted with a hesitant smile that Clara didn't return, instead she crossed her arms over her chest and stared expectantly down at him. "I wasn't expecting to see you and I didn't know what to say and I didn't think you would want to see me…"

"Well that's honest at least." Clara sighed; she wasn't sure what she had expected. "I'm not sure whether I did or not but well I don't suppose that matters now and it is probably better sooner than later..." She added her voice wobbling slightly as she suddenly lost her nerve.

No that wasn't entirely true Clara wasn't entirely sure that she was ever going to be ready for this meeting, even if she had rehearsed it half a hundred times. There had been many nights, far too many nights than was healthy that she had spent playing out in her head how this conversation would go…Clara had soothed her broken her heart with scenarios where John begged her to forgive him and take him back or other times when she finally got to tell him all the little rotten things he had made her feel during their relationship and was able to move on and feel better even if it was on her own.

Yet the more time that passed since the break up the more unsure Clara became as to which of those she really wanted. Perhaps it wasn't that she really wanted John back, perhaps it was that she wanted the ability to trust back, to go back a time before she knew what it was to be betrayed by the person you held the dearest to your heart?

"How's Missy?" Clara couldn't help it, perhaps it came out bitterer than she thought, why else would John be giving her the sad puppy eyes.

"She's well." John replied choosing not to elaborate. He may not enjoy the emotional intelligence of others but even he knew that answering that question with anything other than a well or fine or good was practically suicidal.

"And the book?"

"First draft all finished." John replied this time with a little more confidence. "Douglas is very pleased with it."

"I'm happy for you." Clara replied yet there was very little real happiness in her tone.

"Clara you don't have to be kind to me we both know I don't deserve it."

"Would you rather I curse you?" Clara snapped, her voice a little too loud for the quiet reading room and she flushed in embarrassment as several patrons and even a few of her students looked over out of sheer nosiness.

"One of us has to be an adult about this John and god knows it's not going to be you." She added in a curt whisper.

"Clara I am trying but I don't see the point in playing pretend." John sighed rubbing his hand over his weary face and staring up into those accusing brown eyes through his splayed fingers. "I behaved very badly towards you, not just with Missy but before that and we both know it. So we can make polite small talk all you want but it is not going to change anything."

"I know that." Clara replied swallowing down the urge to stamp her foot, she was the one being an adult here so why did John always succeed in making her feel like a gauche child. "Look I was just trying make it easier but if it will make you feel better I can act like a right bitch towards you, maybe that would satisfy that masochistic streak of yours?"

Surprised by Clara's sudden mood swing and then disturbing accusation John sat back in his chair. Long gone was the timid brown eyed mouse who once upon a time used to hang upon his every word of gesture with impish delight and in her place was a woman grown, a woman he had hurt terribly. "No...no you are right as usual. I am sorry the only person who has a right to behave badly is you and yet I'm the one being ungracious because my guilt makes me uncomfortable."

"So you do feel guilty then?" Clara questioned her dark eyes unusually soft and vulnerable after her earlier outburst. "You regret what you did?"

"Very much so Clara if I could go back and change things…"

"Yes?" Clara cut in her stomach twisting uncomfortable as she leant forward her stupid heart suddenly quickening. "You mean it you wouldn't…"

"I would never have cheated on you." John insisted surprised when Clara moved as if to hug him, scrambling back in his seat so the damn thing practically tipped over from the sudden weight shift.

"Doctor?" Clara questioned in surprise, the look of panicked horror on his face seemed so at odds with what he had been saying but then her tired brain caught up and Clara could have kicked herself she was so stupid. So much for moving on…

"You mean that you would have broken up with me sooner, that's really it isn't it? God I am such an idiot…" She broke off turning around before John could do or say anything to stop her. Not that there was anything he could really say, Clara was right that was what he had meant and it clearly wasn't what she wanted to hear.

Watching as Clara hurried away from him, weaving her way between chairs and tables back to her group of students John knew he could have gone after her, yet he also knew that nothing he could say could take the hurt away. Sinking back into his chair John bent down and picked up Great Expectations from where he had dropped it in his panic glancing up when he heard the sound of a crash and sudden rise in noise. Pushing his way out of his seat he stepped forward at first in curiosity and then with a growing sense of dread. A small crowd had gathered, students gawping and worried adults flapping, but John pressed through them staring down at the crumpled figure of a familiar brunette.

-/-


	8. Chapter 6

-/-

Hospital waiting room chairs were not meant for gentleman of his stature. The proportions were all wrong and John couldn't lean against the flimsy back without inevitably sliding out of the plastic bucket. His legs were too long and were sprawled out on the floor meaning that whenever anyone wanted to get past him John had to stand up to let them through. And well don't even get him started on the colour…

Well hospitals weren't known for their interior design.

Watching as staff and patients and relatives bustled about in the corridor John had to stifle the urge to get up and pace…again… He had been waiting for ages for any news, had already been up to the nurses station more times than he could recall, and every time it was the same story, Miss Oswald is stable and we are running tests we'll let you know when she is settled and ready for visitors. John hadn't really expected anything more, he wasn't family and he wasn't her boyfriend anymore, as a friend and John was aware how loose that term was right now, he wasn't entitled to know anything.

A friend…John really was stretching the truth with that one.

After the way he had panicked and behaved at the library…no after the way he had behaved towards Clara since he returned from Somalia John knew he was a poor excuse for a friend. There were no reasons that could excuse his latest behaviour, Clara had looked ill and that had frightened him as John couldn't help but draw the conclusion that he was in part if not wholly responsible. Yet instead of facing up to it and showing concern for her wellbeing John had focused instead on easing his own guilt. Clara hadn't needed his ham-fisted apologies; she had needed his help and what had he done but make a bad situation worse?

Glancing down at the leather strapped Rolex John winced when he caught sight of the time. It was late afternoon and at the rate this was going it would be evening before he found out anything and John dreaded having to walk in and explain to Missy why he was late and just where and more importantly with whom he had spent his afternoon. It wasn't that he would accuse his girlfriend of being the jealous type, but she was insecure, all the misunderstandings in the first few weeks of their relationship had managed to hammer that into even John's thick skull.

He should call her.

As bad as it would be John knew it would be worse if he lied and Missy found out, this whole mess with Clara had taught him that much at least; and she would find out John knew Missy well enough to know that. His girlfriend was like a bloodhound with the scent, she had known the truth about Clara long before John had confessed it and he doubted it would take her long to discover just how he had spent his afternoon.

Retrieving his mobile from his pocket John entered his passcode, scowling as he recognised the red power bar at the top…he had been going home to get more than just a change of clothes after all. Shit well there should be enough for a quick call. Pulling up her number John crossed his fingers mentally preparing what he was going to say. Only the phone kept ringing and then finally Missy's voice…Only it was her voice mail and John wasn't stupid enough to leave a blundering message.

Cutting off the call John dialled the office number instead, Mary would pick up it was still office hours and as if John had summoned her the bright efficient voice of Missy's secretary echoed down the line.

"Dr Saxon's office this is her secretary Mary speaking how may I help you?"

"Mary!" John exclaimed in relief. "It's John…John Smith…" He repeated after all there had probably been dozens of John's in Missy's client book over the years and he doubted Mary recognised his voice just yet, the whole sum of their conversation had revolved around Mary threatening to get the Police and John asking if Missy was ready yet, oh and did she have somewhere to put the latest bunch of flowers?

"Dr Smith good afternoon." Mary greeted him brightly which was probably the last time anyone would be pleased with him today. "I'm afraid Dr Saxon is still in with a client if you'd like to leave a message I will ensure she gets it when she is free."

"Yes…No…Look I really don't have much time to explain but I really need to speak to Missy if it is at all possible you see I'm at the hospital and…"

"Say no more Dr Smith I'll get her straight away." Mary cut in and John sighed in relief as he heard the phone set down and the sound of footsteps getting fainter.

A moment later there was the unmistakable sound of rushed footsteps and John felt the guilt in his stomach curdle, Missy sounded like she was running to the phone.

"John…John are you there are you alright? Where are you?" Missy's anxiety was obvious and John wished he could somehow reach through the phone and soothe her.

"I'm fine love." John insisted the endearment slipping from his lips and for a moment he cursed himself, now was not the time to confess that either lest Missy thinking he was using it to distract her and worse that she might think he was lying. "I'm at University Hospital London in MAU but it's not me…it's a…a friend." John cursed his own cowardice.

"Oh well." The relief was palpable in Missy's tone. "Is it serious do you need me?"

Now he could have kissed her as John believed that Missy would quite happily drop everything and rush over to support him if he needed her.

"I…" John began intending to reassure her that it was fine that he would cope without her to prop him up, only his dratted mobile beeped and John pulled it away from his ear glaring down at it as the dratted thing died on him.

Fuck he really didn't need this now…right a phone…a pay phone they still had those didn't they?

Rushing out of the small waiting area adrenaline pumping John glanced up and down the corridor before his gaze landed on a small payphone…yes thank goodness for hospitals and their antiquated infrastructure. Scrambling in his pocket for some loose change John literally cursed as the damn coins spilled out of his shaking fingers and went off flying down the corridor. Scrambling on the floor John groped for the spilled money, spotting a pair of shoes approaching but ignoring them until the owner paused in their hurrying to reach down and pick up a few loose coins.

"Thank you." John muttered as his Good Samaritan held out the retrieved coins, only glancing up as the man seemed to pull back suddenly. "Hey…"

"You!" A familiar sounding voice exclaimed in what John could only discern as an accusing tone.

Squinting up through the glare of the fluorescent lighting John's eyes blurred for a moment before they focused in on a face…a face that was less than pleased to see him.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Huffing slightly John levered himself to his feet, savouring the regained extra inches as he was able to glare down. "Danny it is such a delight to see you again."

"Do you think you are funny Doctor?" Danny Pink spat back, the panic he had been feeling since the school trip returned to Coal Hill earlier than scheduled and without Miss Oswald now coalesced and found a convenient target to vent on. "Now answer my god damn question why are you of all people here?"

"Why shouldn't I be here?" John snapped back. "It's a public place."

"You know what I meant." Danny retorted. "You are the last person who should be here after what you did." Danny added before pushing past the Doctor, making sure to knock his shoulder as he rushed off to the nurses' station to enquire after Clara.

Taking a deep breath to stop himself saying anything that would make the situation worse John tried his best to follow the coping techniques he had been using for the last twelve months, taking a deep breath and holding it, counting to ten in his head before releasing it. After a few rounds of that John felt himself calm enough to follow Danny back to the waiting room. As much as he hated to admit it Danny Pink was John's best source of information right now. The young man would know everything that had been happening to Clara over the last few weeks.

"Are you still here?" Danny huffed from his own ugly plastic seat as he watched John lower himself into one of the seats opposite. "I thought you were supposed to be a genius or something, sure can't take a hint can you?"

Threading his fingers together John forced himself to appear and feel calm. "What happened?"

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?" Danny replied dark eyes roving warily over the older man. "I mean all I heard was that Clara was arguing with some old geezer…" Danny paused savouring the Doctor's wince as that blow hit his pride, "One of my student's description…"

"Yes I can probably guess which one." John muttered under his breath as the memory of the tongue sticking teenager stuck in his mind.

"…Yeah well no guesses now for who she was talking about." Danny finished. "So what was it this time? Did you have to stalk and harass her?"

"I did nothing of the sort!" John insisted sitting upright in his chair at the accusation. "I was already at the library it was just a coincidence, believe me I would much rather not have bumped into Clara at all…"

"Yeah I believe that, that little bubble you live in must have been nice and comfortable." Danny drawled sarcastically. "So what you took advantage of the situation to gloat and kick her when she was down?"

"No." John replied shortly, Danny was doing his best to push his buttons and John knew he was letting him. "Look it was a personal conversation but I did not gloat, it was not an easy discussion I will admit but I never intended for this to happen…Clearly Clara is ill and I fail to see how I can be blamed for that…"

"Of course you do, nothing touches the great Dr John Smith does it?" Danny snorted shaking his head in disbelief as he pushed himself to his feet and began to pace off the nervous energy that was thrumming through him. "I mean breaking her heart sure no harm there, cutting her loose without even a text or a call to check up on her absolves you of all responsibility."

"I thought it was best." John replied his eyebrows drawn low in a frown. "Surely a clean break was better…"

"You have no idea what she has being going through do you? No idea that she might have needed your support, that should have been her choice to make and not yours." Danny turned staring down at the Doctor in amazement. "You never even checked to busy playing lovebirds with your new bit of fluff…"

"Mr Pink insult me all you want but don't you dare insult…"

"Oh so there is someone you care about other than yourself." Danny cut in. "Well I hope she knows what she is letting herself in for, or maybe the two of you deserve each other?"

"Well…well what about you, you said you would look after her. If Clara had needed me so badly why the hell didn't you call me?" John finally snapped, "So if you take your position as Clara's defender so damn seriously why didn't you? Because you didn't want me in the picture did you Danny, you want to stand here and heap all the blame on me because that means you don't have to admit you failed or were too full of self-interest to call me. Why because you want Clara for yourself and even though I cheated on her you still consider me a threat."

"You are quite the piece of work." Danny finally managed. "I don't know how you and your ego actually fit through the door."

Leaning forward he whisper hissed his next words. "I love Clara Oswald, I have been falling for her since the day I met her and she walked into my classroom to wish me good luck. Yet real love isn't selfish, I wanted her to be happy like she deserves even if that was with a selfish arse like you. Finally she came to her senses and I have done everything I could to be the friend she needs…"

"Yes and you are doing a wonderful job of it. Selfish arse I might be but she never looked like a god damn skeleton when she lived with me." John snapped back. "She's sick, she's clearly not eating and what the hell have you done about it Danny?"

"Everything I could short of force feeding her." Danny all but yelled back, realising just how loud he had been when people in the corridor actually paused to glance inside.

Forcing himself back into one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs Danny put his head down into his hands, rubbing his fingers across his shortly cropped hair. "You have no fucking idea how hard it has been. She seemed to be doing ok at first, moving out and Christmas at her Grans, she kept busy..."

"And then what happened?" John prompted him, he could see it now, Danny was a live wire ready to go off and he had just been the catalyst required.

"Her Gran had a fall over New Year's…Clara was out with her friends…I persuaded her to go out." Danny added the guilt clear in his tone. "When she got back…it was too late her Gran never regained consciousness and Clara blamed herself…and me."

"Oh god…"

"She wouldn't take my calls. I wanted to help with the funeral arrangements at least but Clara wouldn't let me, then she took a few weeks off work and when she finally came back…well you can see how she looked."

Nodding at the younger man's confession John slumped back against his chair back, his own poor behaviour now seemed inexcusable, he hadn't known Clara hadn't told him but John had lived with her for years surely he should have recognised the signs of distress. That John hadn't, spoke poorly of him and their relationship. John was certain that even after little more than six weeks together he would be able to spot similar signs of distressed behaviour in Missy…or at least he hoped he would…

"What can I do?" John asked, not that he was certain Danny had an answer for him but sitting here doing nothing was not an option either.

"I don't know what can you do?" Danny replied bitterly, lifting his head to stare at John who managed to return his gaze unflinchingly.

"I can find her someone to talk to." John suggested, not Missy obviously but she must know someone, someone good who specialised in grief counselling.

"She's not crazy…"

"I know that Danny but therapy might help, it might not but it is better than not trying it at all and her gran's flat is she having to sort it out?"

"What are you going to offer to pay someone to do that as well?" Danny countered avoiding John's gaze as the older man's gaze burned into him. "I suppose it can't hurt but I don't know how you'll get her to agree to any of it."

"Well if we both try…" John suggested the tentative offer of a truce hung in the air between them. "For Clara."

Finally Danny nodded and John felt some of the weight he had been carrying lift from his shoulders. "Alright for Clara."

-/-

She felt like such an idiot.

Staring up at the hospital ceiling Clara Oswald counted the discoloured spots as she tried to resist the urge to itch the damn needle they had stuck in the back of her hand. Yet even that couldn't distract her from the knowledge of why she was here. Her doctor's had been sympathetic however Clara's head was still spinning from all their questions and the many many tests they had insisted on having samples for, the consequences of some...well they terrified her.

Now finally alone and resting behind a drawn curtain in the noisy assessment ward Clara couldn't hide from her thoughts.

She was an idiot and a failure; she had failed all the people she loved why else did they keep leaving her? She should have been home; her Gran might have stood a chance then. Clara was still so angry at herself about that, angry and guilty and regretful. She knew it wasn't fair to blame anyone but herself, she had been the one to go out, she couldn't keep blaming her friends or…or Danny.

She missed him. Clara hadn't realised just how much she had come to depend on Danny Pink until she had cut him out of her life.

At first she had been so angry that she had lashed out at anyone and everyone, but Danny had been there and had in Clara's grief stricken mind been culpable if not responsible.

He had persuaded her she needed a night out, not that looking back now Clara realised she had needed much persuading. She had been the one to call him at eleven, her girly night out fun but there had been something or more to the point someone lacking. She had been the one who had suggested meeting up by the lions in Trafalgar square before midnight and Clara had been the one to kiss him as the fireworks lit up the skies over London.

The new year had held such promise back then, it was hard to believe that just a few hours later everything would come crashing down around her again, but none of that had been Danny's fault. Yet Clara had raged at him and Danny had just taken it, he hadn't even tried to defend himself just allowing her to keep venting. It wasn't until she had ordered him to leave that Danny had shown any sign of resistance, but Clara Oswald was not a person to cross and the threat of calling the police had had Danny moving.

Then in her rage she had blocked his number, had ignored all pleas from mutual colleagues to just talk to him. Clara had treated him terribly and she deserved it when Danny had finally given up on her. She didn't deserve him. He probably regretted ever getting involved in her life.

And then there was The Doctor…

Clara could only blame grief, desperation and loneliness for the way she had behaved at the library. Even now John's horrified face as she went to hug him was imprinted behind her eyelids and every time she closed her eyes there is was staring back at her. Was she that repulsive that even her ex, someone who once claimed to love her even if he was never in love with her, found the idea of contact with her abhorrent?

"Knock knock." A familiar voice mimed a door knock on the outside of her curtain and Clara wiped at the tears on her cheeks forcing a smile even when inside she actually wanted to cry more from relief.

"Danny!" There was no hiding the relief in her voice however and it squeaked most unpleasantly, still if Danny Pink noticed he hid it well poking his head around the curtain that shy little boy smile of his lighting up the room.

"Hi." Danny offered as he hung nervously on the periphery. "Look I know you probably don't really want to see me I get that ok but I just needed to check for myself you were ok."

Biting down on her lip Clara managed a nod, not trusting her voice as tears overwhelmed her flimsy defences.

"Hey…hey I promise I didn't mean to upset you." Danny grappled for the box of hospital tissues on Clara's bedside table, offering them to her as a peace offering, surprised when the tiny brunette grabbed his hand instead and pulled him down to sit on the edge of her bed.

"I thought…you…hated me…" Clara managed to choke out; hanging onto Danny's hand like it was her only lifeline.

"How could I ever hate you Clara Oswald?" Danny deadpanned, picking a tissue when Clara merely clutched at one in her fist and dabbing at her wet cheeks himself.

"I was a total bitch to you that's how." Clara retorted laughing despite the situation as Danny held a tissue to her dribbling nose; great a bitch and now a wet snotty mess.

"You were grieving Clara." Danny insisted daring to reach up and tuck her hair behind her ears so he could finish cleaning up her face. "I've never had a family to lose so I cannot possibly understand what you are going through but I have lost friends in traumatic circumstances so I can appreciate how powerful losing someone suddenly like that can be. But if it helps you any then I forgive you for being a bitch to me."

Playing with Danny's fingers Clara stared down at the blue paper hospital gown. "I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do." Danny insisted refusing to allow Clara to abuse herself in his presence. "You may not believe that at the moment because you are still in so much pain but you are totally worth it."

Blushing slightly under Danny's emphatic praise Clara twisted the tissue between her fingers, tightening it as her eyes lingered on that rotten needle that was a constant reminder of where she was and why. Danny might not be so emphatic if he knew.

"So when are they going to let you out of here?" Danny asked watching as Clara squirmed and avoided his gaze. "Clara?"

"I don't know it depends on the test results I suppose." Clara hedged. "I know I have to start eating again Danny, it's just I've felt so sick that I can barely keep anything down, I have not been trying to starve myself."

"So what do the doctors say?" Danny prompted her. "They must have some idea what's causing it?...Clara whatever it is you know it won't matter whatever is wrong I'll be here."

"Oh they have a few ideas." Clara whispered biting down on her lip her large brown eyes welling with tears again yet this time she was able to breath them back down before they could fall. "They did a pregnancy test Danny."

"Oh." Of all the possible things Danny Pink was expecting to hear that was not in the top ten. "And?"

Clara could only shrug. "I don't know yet, it was a blood test so it has to go to the lab."

"Right." Danny nodded his hands shaking as he reached up to rub his head. "Right…Ok…well it could be worse right…I mean a baby is better than being sick!"

"Danny don't be kind, I've fucked everything up, I'm twenty five years old and I might be pregnant with my ex's baby and he doesn't give a damn about me and how am I going to hold down a job and have a baby and…" Clara couldn't stop the tears this time, when Danny's arms came up around her she fell gratefully against his shoulder. "I don't know what I am going to do."

"Shush…it'll be ok alright you would never have to do this on your own. I would be there you know that even if you are pregnant and I think you are wrong if John didn't give a damn then why did I leave him the waiting room?" Danny hated saying it but if there was a baby involved then this wasn't something that could be hidden, and besides John Smith was a rich man even if he didn't want to be involved with the kid he could damn well help out Clara financially.

"John is here?" Clara asked frowning in confusion watching in confusion as Danny nodded and seemed to sink back into himself as if resigned to something.

"Do you want to speak to him?" Danny asked his earlier relief that Clara seemed to have forgiven him twisting in his stomach as it seemed he was once more being consigned to the role of friend. "I can go and get him…"

"No." It was an instinctive reaction and Clara grabbed Danny's hand before he could move.

Yet the longer she sat there holding his hand whilst Danny was awkwardly caught halfway between standing and sitting. "I don't know what I want Danny…I know he needs to know but I can't…I can't face him right now."

Staring up into Danny's stricken face the words were spilling out of her mouth before Clara really considered what she was asking. "Could you tell him?"

-/-


	9. Chapter 7

-/-

Missy Saxon wasn't a superstitious person by nature, but part of her kept wondering when everything was going to fall apart. For so many years she had been convinced she was cursed, that love and happiness were things she wasn't meant for, after all everyone she had ever loved had been taken from her or she had been forced to leave behind and then John Smith came along. He may not be everyone's idea of a heart throb, even though his credentials were better on paper there were probably twice as many bad points to offset the good.

So what if he was rich and quirky good looking, and brilliant and famous to a certain degree? He was also fucked up beyond recognition, had stumbled from one relationship to the next, was emotionally dense and had some major unresolved PTSD. Missy knew that if she still had any of the traditional girlfriends that they would have warned her off a man like John Smith, that man was not a fixer upper he was a full on restoration project.

Well Missy knew she wasn't without faults the only difference between them was that Missy hid her hers better; John was the more open of the two of them, as impossible as that was to believe. Oh he was still impossibly dense about it, for a genius he was incredibly stupid when it came to feelings but he was trying. His feelings were written all over his face and the way she would catch him looking at her sometimes…god Missy would have sworn her heart would stop in her chest.

He loved her, Missy knew it, she had no doubt about it and yet despite knowing this and knowing her own feelings she still hadn't told him she loved him. Perhaps it was self-preservation or fear but Missy had come to the point of saying it so many times and then hadn't. Now she knew she was waiting for him to say it first, waiting for John to be the one to take that first step, not because she feared rejection per say but because she needed him to be the one to take the lead for once.

Missy had pursued him. She had seduced him. She had offered him her mind and her body and John had greedily accepted both. Well if he wanted her heart then this time he was going to have to be the one doing the hard work. Her resolution seemed to be working John had never been more attentive, every time she looked up from her desk the latest bouquet of flowers would catch her attention and Missy would smile. And the sex…the sex was incredible…a little too incredible for her 9-5 business hours but after their recent dry spell Missy was not going to start complaining.

Missy was certain that in the next few days John would finally say those three little words and then she could say them back.

Or at least that was the plan until Mary barged into her office during a consultation telling her that her John was calling from the hospital and Missy felt like she was going to be sick all over her desk.

Not John she couldn't lose him too and suddenly it didn't matter who said it first Missy couldn't bear the thought of John Smith not knowing she loved him, that she was in love with him.

Of course her panic abated significantly when John said he was there because of a friend but then the damn phone had cut out and Missy had been left without answers. She didn't know if he was hurt at all or if it was serious or if he needed her. There had been precious little chance of Missy being able to concentrate on any of her clients after that and Mary had been a trooper, her secretary had promised to handle the fall out, had told her to get in a cab and go.

It had seemed so simple and moving had seemed to help at first. Only now Missy was here, in a hospital again….god even the smell was the same and that turned her stomach for whole different reasons than just fears for her lover. Scent was a powerful memory enhancer and with every rushed step that Missy took through the sterilised hallways it was like a step back in time to past that Missy had tried very hard to forget even existed.

The hospital itself was a maze and Missy had found herself getting lost at least twice before she spotted the signs for MAU, which as if to just make her feel twice as senile was practically by the main entrance, once again she praised whatever foresight she had possessed in choosing flats this morning her normal heels would be killing her by now.

"Hello can you help me?" Missy paused by the nurse's station outside MAU, "I am looking for my boyfriend he is here with a friend; John Smith…tall grey haired…frowns a lot and flaps about."

At first the young nurse seemed bemused by Missy's description but then recognition broke across her face and Missy felt something tense in her stomach uncoil slightly.

"He's probably in the waiting room, just down there on the right." The nurse explained before adding helpfully. "If you could tell him that visiting hours aren't until seven this evening it would help."

"Oh has he been making a pain of himself?" Missy quipped.

Wearing a polite smile the nurse clearly didn't want to say something she shouldn't but it didn't take Missy's psyche degree to work out John must have been making a nuisance of himself. "Don't worry I'll tell him. I'll try and get him to go get some food should get him out of your hair for a bit."

"Thank you and its fine really." The nurse added clearly worrying she had probably let too much slip and afraid they might complain. "It's heart-warming to see that Miss Oswald is lucky to have such a good friend."

"Yes…yes she is." Missy replied as if by rote, the once easy smile now fixed painfully to her face as she turned and marched her way down the corridor to the waiting room.

Clara…he was here with Clara…no wonder he didn't mention just who the friend was on the phone.

Now Missy really wanted to be sick either that or beat something to a bloody pulp. Fucking little Miss Clara Oswald, Missy should have known that impassioned speech about letting John go was all an act. Just how long had John been back in contact with her? That was if he had even broken off contact, he had never mentioned his ex but then Missy had never really asked. John didn't like to be reminded about how they got together whilst he was still officially with Clara, oh he finally told his friends about her but Missy knew that John still felt incredibly guilty and uncomfortable with the knowledge he was a cheater.

Approaching the waiting room Missy paused she could hear voices inside…voices that were not exactly being discreet and one of which that Missy knew as well as her own. The other, the other was a mystery but Missy assumed it belonged to the young black man whose back she could just about see from her place in the corridor.

"If Clara has something so important to tell me that you think I need to sit the fuck down then she can tell me herself." John's familiar voice echoed out into the corridor and Missy pressed herself against the wall to hear the quieter calmer reply.

"Look Doctor I promised her I'd do this, right now she doesn't want to see you ok…"

"Yes for which I have your word as proof." John snapped back and from the sound of agitated footsteps he seemed to be pacing up and down rather than sitting as the other man had requested. "So did you even talk to her about talking to a professional?"

"No…"

"God you are useless just let me go talk to her."

"For fuck sakes Doctor just shut up and listen!" This time the young man did raise his voice and it stopped John's pacing.

"You wonder why she doesn't want to talk to you herself because you don't bloody well listen, well you have to because this time there is more than Doctor John Smith's ego involved ok, there might be a kid…a poor innocent baby that might be unfortunate enough to have you for a father…or sorry should I say sperm donor because let's be honest that's all you really are."

"What?"

The shock and horror in John's voice matched Missy's feelings….Clara Oswald pregnant…No No No this couldn't be happening. It was like watching a house of cards collapse in slow motion, everything Missy had been working for and hoping for falling apart around her. Reaching out she steadied herself against the doorframe the world around her suddenly tilting and Missy closed her eyes to fight of the affects.

"Oh so you are capable of listening then?"

"Yes…No…No…this is not possible." John insisted. "It can't be mine."

"Are you calling Clara a liar?" There was no mistaking the growl or the way the younger man advanced on John that violence was imminent and yet it was at this moment that John noticed her.

"Missy!"

Hearing her name called Missy slowly dragged her eyes from the floor watching as the young man turned around dark eyes raking over her shaken form before turning back to John. Clearly he knew who she was so he had that advantage but right now Missy didn't particularly care. For a moment he almost looked sorry for her but then that sympathy vanished and he turned back to glare at John.

"I suspect you've got some fast talking to do." Danny Pink muttered yet there was little satisfaction to be had in this, not even if two of the most selfish people in London got their comeuppance.

"I'm going to sit with Clara; someone should be with her when she gets the test results. And don't think you're going to be able to weasel your way out of this one Doctor when it comes to child support. There are tests that can prove paternity you know even if you decide to fight it and I'll be there every damn step of the way at Clara's back. I may not know jack shit about being a Dad but I will be damned if this kid loses out on one the way I did."

-/-

"You lied to me."

"I didn't lie." John replied his mind still reeling from everything Danny had told him...him a father, the very idea filled him with… right now he wasn't exactly sure what he was feeling but it wasn't the heady joy that others might feel in the circumstances.

Sinking down shakily into the waiting room seats John could feel his whole body trembling; this would change his entire life. John knew that despite Danny's assertions, that he would raise the child if John bailed, that this was not something he could just wipe his hands of. He had been an abandoned child, he knew how that felt and how he still carried the scars of his mother's rejection, the inability to trust or to let people in, to depend on anyone but himself…No John would never knowingly put an innocent through that, regardless of his own feelings or lack of fitness to be a father.

Rubbing his hands over his face and then sliding them up to tug nervously at his hair John finally lifted his gaze from the floor to see how his girlfriend was taking this bomb that had been dropped on them. If Clara was pregnant, and John forced himself to cling to the notion that it wasn't a certainty yet, well it would impact on more than just him. He may be the biological father even if Danny seemed determined to take on the day to day role, but if he was going to be involved in this child's life than that meant Missy would be too.

This wasn't just about him anymore, it hadn't been for a while, and although John was finally ready for a real relationship at last, for trusting someone enough that their happiness was the foundation of his own…he wasn't certain he was ready for this…that they were ready for this, and the thought that he might lose Missy over a past mistake that was what really terrifying him.

"Missy please come and sit down."

Missy was still frozen barely inside the waiting area, her face a mask that showed nothing on the surface and yet that was more telling than if she was raging at him. Underneath the surface Missy was probably in turmoil and John winced as he could only imagine the issues this was probably forcing to the surface…her own lost child…her inability to carry another one…

It was bad enough that he might…might have knocked up his ex but that the hurt was hitting his lover in such a personal sore spot was something John wished he could take away.

"I am sorry." John managed to find his voice, pushing himself up from his chair and slowly approaching his girlfriend who still continued to stare at nothing as if he hadn't spoken.

"I can't imagine what you must be thinking or feeling but I swear I had no idea…"

"Spare me." Missy muttered refusing to meet John's gaze, she could feel the fury bubbling under her skin just itching for an outlet and right know John Smith had a bullseye painted right over him. "Do you really think you can continue to take me for an idiot John?"

"No but Missy…"

"Don't…Just don't!" Missy insisted turning away from him and pacing towards the large window that overlooked the busy car park watching as everyone else went about their lives blissfully ignorant whilst hers was slowly falling apart. The man she loved had hurt her, it may not have been deliberate but it hurt just the same.

Yet what hurt worse was the knowledge she only had herself to blame. She pursued John suspecting if not knowing he was involved with someone else, she had chosen to turn a blind eye when he had promised her there was nothing between him and Clara any more. She had wanted to believe him, had wanted to deceive herself into thinking that she was special which was why John could be so passionate towards her and yet could happily ignore a very gorgeous twenty year old when she was readily available to him. So she had fallen for one of the oldest lines in the book. God she was such an idiot.

"I just can't believe you lied to me. You told me you weren't sleeping together."

Following Missy to the window John stopped just behind her, his hands moving to rest on her shoulders relieved when she didn't immediately push him away. "I didn't lie…I said we didn't share a bed and we really didn't…I slept on the sofa in my study and…"

And he was still trying to pull the wool over her eyes; that was what really pissed Missy off right now. Turning she glared up at her boyfriend, her blue gaze cold as ice as it bore into his stormy greys. "People do not make babies sleeping in separate rooms John."

"It was once Missy, one time I swear it...After the publishing awards, you remember those surely, where you asked me out the same night you met my girlfriend. I had too much to drink and Clara put me to bed and I guess things just happened, I doubt I was particularly impressive I didn't even really remember it in the morning." John snapped realising that those words were a mistake the moment they fell from his tongue as if Missy's gaze was icy before now it was positively artic.

"You don't get it do you, what I am really upset about." Missy scoffed barely resisting the urge to slap John Smith around his arrogant face. "As bad as the idea is of another woman carrying your child I am upset that you lied to me AFTER we had slept together. You didn't have to do that I wouldn't have held it against you if you were still sleeping with your actual girlfriend, but you let me think there really was nothing left between the two of you…"

"Yes and you accused me of lying as I recall but I wasn't, I really wasn't, by the time we were together there was nothing between Clara and me save one drunken mistaken a few weeks before that wouldn't have even mattered if..."

"If you hadn't knocked her up!"

"Potentially." John corrected her. "We might be worrying about nothing."

"Believe me the baby is least of my worries right now, I'm standing here wondering just what else you have lied to me about John? Whilst I had no proof of it I was able to convince myself it didn't matter but now I do how am I supposed to trust anything you say?" Missy finished her fury burning itself out as the pain of being betrayed took over. "I trusted you, I believed you, I thought I was special…"

"Marsaili please."

"Don't you dare…don't you dare call me that now." Missy hissed like a scalded cat her blue eyes wide with horror. Her real name was something special, a name John used when they were being intimate or wanted to be especially close, for when they opened up to one another, and for him to use it here and now…

"Please…Please just listen." John repeated his hands grasped her waist so she couldn't storm off not like this, he couldn't let her leave.

"I know you are mad as hell and nothing I am saying is helping any and you have every right to leave and no good reason to stay but you have to believe me you are special, you are the most important person in the world to me and I need you…I need you." John repeated shaking her gently. "You brought light back into my life, you give me a real reason to get up in the morning and just the thought of seeing you every night, of holding you whilst you sleep and knowing I will wake up beside you in the morning…Marsaili that is everything…and I…"

Swallowing down the urge to say the words he has been wanting to for a while now John knew that he shouldn't right now, even if it was true, this mess was not what he wanted Missy to remember when he finally told her he loved her…if she ever gave him the chance to say it?

"And If you tell me you can't do this…if you want me to choose…"

"Don't…just don't, that's not fair." Missy looked up at him horrified. "If you want to bail on your child then do it on your own conscience don't place the blame on me."

"I'm not…That's not what I meant." John replied catching her chin between his fingers. "You know some of what my childhood was like you know I won't be bailing on anyone no matter what Danny said. I know how it feels to have the people who should love you and protect you leave you like you mean nothing and I will never inflict that on a child no matter how much of a selfish bastard I can be. I can support Clara financially and I can find a way to be a father, but that doesn't mean you have to be involved. I'm not so emotional stupid that I can't see what this is doing to you, how much you are lashing out because of what happened to you and how this must feel like…"

"Being stabbed in the guts you mean." Missy sneered the ice in her blue eyes thawing slightly, or perhaps it was just something in the air because her vision became a little hazy. Her head was pounding.

With his fingertips John gently brushed away the tears that suddenly clung to Missy's dark lashes. "You need me to prove that there is no one more important to me than you and believe me I will find a way no matter how long it may take."

"Stop it John you cannot make promises like that." Missy pushing his fingers from her flesh, even now his touch on her cheek made her weak, made her want to throw her arms around him and believe his promises that he could make everything alright.

"I can and I will if it means I never have to risk losing you." John insisted knowing the moment Missy began to waver, perhaps it was that some of the resistance seemed to leave her body, or perhaps it was her eyes that told him. "And I don't, not ever."

"Sorry to interrupt." A sarcastic voice cut in, yet it was obvious from the tone that the owner couldn't care less about interrupting them. "I just thought you would want to know…."

Turning expectantly John kept his arm firmly around Missy as he turned to face the accusing glare of Danny Pink. Let the younger man glower all he wanted Missy needed him right now and John wasn't about to withdraw whatever little comfort he could give her. "Well?"

"You're off the hook old man." Danny answered his nose wrinkling as he studied the Doctor for any obvious signs of relief, surprised and guiltily a little disappointed when the older man seemed not to react at all. "It came back negative." He added wondering if the Doctor simply hadn't heard him.

Nodding John wasn't sure what he was feeling, relief was a significant part of it but concern was there as well, concern for Clara as clearly if she wasn't pregnant then there had to be some other explanation for her symptoms and concern for the trembling woman in his arms. Missy had been put through the emotional wringer just as much as he had today and unlike him when it came to babies she was far more sensitive…

"Do you really have nothing to say?" Danny taunted the god damn statue in front of him.

"How did Clara take the news?" John asked choosing to ignore Danny's baiting.

"She did a high kick and a cartwheel." Danny replied rolling his eyes. "How do you think she took it? She's relieved she's twenty five she doesn't want to be saddled with her cheating ex's kid!"

"And the doctors did they find anything else in the other tests?"

"She's anaemic." Danny answered grudgingly annoyed when John nodded knowingly. "They are going to give her a blood transfusion and then put her on an intrave…"

"…intravenous iron therapy…" John finished for him earning him another glare from Danny but by now John was feeling all but immune to them.

He wasn't going to be a father after all…he hadn't fathered a bastard…and it surprised John just how much that still meant to him even in this day and age when it seemed most children were born out of wedlock.

"Well I suppose that's you off then." Danny commented. "No need to stick around anymore now you know you're off the hook. Just leave other people to pick up your mess as usual."

Stepping forward the urge to finally teach the younger man a lesson about running his mouth off John was stopped by Missy's hand on his chest. "Take me home."

His focus back on Missy John nodded settling for glaring at Danny. "Of course whatever you want." He insisted taking in her pale face and the way Missy's hand seemed to tremble against his t-shirt.

"You people make me sick." Danny muttered in disgust under his breath. "I need some air." And with that he turned and stormed of the waiting room and disappeared along the corridor.

Leaning on John Missy allowed him to escort her out of the waiting room and down the corridor back towards the main entrance passing the entrance to MAU and the now vacant nurse's station.

"Actually Darling I really could do with a coffee first." Missy wasn't sure what made her say it, what made her give in to the itch underneath her skin that she had been doing so well at ignoring for nigh on ten years.

Perhaps it was the adrenaline coursing through her or perhaps the fear and anger curdling in her stomach that screamed for an outlet.

If John was surprised by the sudden change or the endearment falling from Missy's lips he didn't show it. "Are you sure coffee is the best idea?"

"Well it's a hospital I doubt they serve anything stronger." Missy replied and a relieved John smiled hesitantly.

"Alright we'll go via the coffee shop first…"

"You go." Missy insisted glancing back over her shoulder to check…yes it was still empty and if she was going to do this then it had to be now. "I need to visit the powder room."

"Sure Americano alright?" John checked pressing a relieved kiss to Missy's forehead before rushing off to get into what was probably a sizeable queue.

Waiting until he was out of site Missy moved, with quick determined strides she made her way over to the nurses station, her brief sojourn in the NHS before quickly moving into private practice at least meant she was able to find what she was looking for quickly. The bed rota was as obvious as ever, the familiar whiteboard with bays and patient names written in bold caps so the rotating staff could keep track.

OSWALD, CLARA BAY 2

Smirking Missy quickly retrieved an ever ready pair of plastic gloves, slipping them on before grabbing a clipboard and snagging an abandoned stethoscope. No one ever questioned a person with a clipboard in hand.

Brisk steps took her through the ward, it was feeding time at the zoo and most of the staff were busy sorting out the varying patients who could and couldn't have food. Bay two was conveniently a little inside the entrance to the ward and the curtain was pulled around to give the occupant an illusion of privacy in the noisy environment. Ducking inside Missy was able to stare down at Clara for a good few seconds before the dozing girl had even realised anyone was there.

"I'm sorry I really am not hungry." She muttered sleepily, the powerful meds the Doctors had just started her on since pregnancy had been ruled out was making her a little woozy like they said they might.

"Hello Clara." Missy greeted her rival surprisingly cordially a bright smile playing about her lips as Clara blinked open her eyes in disbelief.

"Marsaili? Wha…how…"

"Oh don't go straining that precious little noggin of yours any pet." Missy cooed as she stalked closer striking quickly and knocking the alarm button out of reach, her hand clasping Clara's and squeezing. "Now it's just us let's have a little girly chat shall we?"

"Marsaili…Ow…you're hurting me." Clara tried to prise her hand free, it was the one with the needle in the back and she was squeezing it.

"And by chat I mean I chat and you listen poppet." Missy continued as if Clara hadn't spoken her blue eyes bright as they bored down on the powerless girl. "Now I don't know what fucking game you think you are playing but it stops now, you lost poppet remember, I won and just because you are all sad about it does not mean you can go about making up stories and starving yourself to try to get attention."

Shrinking back into her pillows Clara knew she could call out, knew she should call out, there were people just outside the curtain who could come in at any second and yet her voice just wouldn't come. There was just something about those eyes that held her in place, they looked at her and through her and they were so cold that it froze her.

"Now I am prepared to be generous and let this go just as a wee little favour because I am such a nice person but I promise you if either John or I hear from you ever again, if you approach him with any more little sob stories I won't be so lenient. Ok?"

Trembling Clara could only wince as the grip on her hand tightened again.

"Ok?" Missy prompted her savouring the way those large brown eyes filled with tears.

Nodding as tears spilt down over her cheeks Clara shuddered as the other gloved hand reached up to pat her cheek gently.

"That's a good girl." Missy added releasing the girl's hand and curling her nose at the bloody mess the dislodged needle had caused. "Oh dear look at the mess you made Clara. You'd better get someone to sort that out and don't you be spilling our little secret. It's our secret girl pact remember?"

Shaking Clara could force herself to nod again, she just wanted her to leave, her head was spinning and the sight of her blood was making her woozy and oh god she was going to be sick. Leaning over the side of her bed Clara vomited what little was in her stomach, the sudden movement making her feel faint even as she heard feet rushing towards her she couldn't stop herself from falling…falling…

No one saw Missy Saxon slip out of the ward. No one saw her dispose of the bloody gloves in the hospital waste bin along with countless others.

Only John Smith saw her as she joined him in the coffee shop looking flushed and he was so relieved that she smiled at him that he didn't even think to question what had caused the sudden change in her mood.

-/-


	10. Chapter 8

-/-

It had been a week since Doctor John Smith life had been almost turned upside down. A week in which he had watched his girlfriend grow quieter and quieter. John was just waiting for the explosion, the accusations and the questions. Missy had taken the news that he might have fathered a child with his ex too well. After the initial tearful exchange at the hospital she hadn't so much as mentioned it again, hadn't questioned why he had been there at the hospital when Clara was admitted, hadn't even asked him if that was the first time he had seen Clara since their break up.

Yet she wanted to. He could see those fears every time he caught Missy's gaze, her eyes were troubled and it worried him.

John almost wanted her to blow up at him, to demand John tell her if he had been cheating on her. He hadn't, he wouldn't…dammit he couldn't, the very idea left him sick to his stomach. He loved her, for the first time in his life John Smith was truly in love and the idea of losing Missy now terrified him. So he didn't press. He watched as Missy buried her suspicions and fears and tried to move past them. Clearly the don't ask don't tell philosophy was one she chose to live by, as John recalled she had chosen to ignore her suspicions about his real relationship with Clara when they first started seeing one another.

Ignorance was bliss, wasn't that what they said? And yet in this case John could see it slowly eating away at Missy and he knew if she wasn't going deal with it then he would. For her, for them and the future he wanted them to have.

How could they build anything that would last if it was built on foundations on suspicions and fear?

Reaching out across the back of the cab John took Missy's hand in his own, an amused smile flitting across his face as the wool-gathering Missy literally jumped at his touch.

"Penny for them?" John asked her gently as a startled Missy glanced down at their conjoined hands and then up at her boyfriend.

"Sorry I was just miles away." Missy replied with a forced smile, it was clearly a poor effort as John's eyebrows gathered slightly. "I'm just nervous no need to fuss."

"Douglas is going to adore you!" John insisted adding his other hand to the growing pile and squeezing her fingers reassuringly.

"Hmmm well its silicone Vicky I am sure will be the real delight." Missy muttered glancing up in surprise as John barked with laughter.

"That is rather apt moniker." John replied when he was able to bring his amusement back under control, his eyes twinkling with mirth as they rake languidly over Missy's beautiful face and then down over the fitted navy blue jumpsuit. "And if she is a pain it's just because she's jealous."

"Of what, my ability to still show facial expressions?" Missy jibed but her lips quirked on one side in acknowledgement of the compliment. "Or why are you only just mentioning that Vicky has a thing for you John?"

"You know very well that was not what I meant." John tutted indulgently. "Stop fishing. You're beautiful and you know it, every man's eyes will be on you and not her and that is why she will be jealous."

"Yes well as long as your eyes on me that's the only regard I care for." Missy retorted smartly, regretting her flippant reply when John's gaze suddenly turned serious.

"My gaze is always on you and only you Marsaili." John replied softly knowing he had hit a nerve when Missy seemed to flinch. "Look I know this is probably not the best time to talk about this…"

"Then let's not." Missy cut in, this was really not the time for this conversation, in fact never was the time for this conversation. "John's over and done with just leave it be."

"It's not over my darling when I see doubts behind your eyes every time you look at me." John insisted even as Missy turned her head to stare back out of the window presenting him with her back and merely confirming in John's mind that he was right she wasn't dealing with this as well as she claimed.

"Marsaili we have to talk about this, you're the professional you know we can't just brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened. I want a future with you, and I want you to trust me with…your future…" John stuttered a fierce blush colouring his cheeks as he almost had slipped up and said something else entirely.

Staring out into the dark London street Missy watched as people rushed about with their everyday lives. She could feel the weight of John's expectant gaze on her back, the tense silence that seemed to stretch between them as he waited hopefully for her to reply, to agree, to say anything. Yet how could she when terrible truths were sat there on the very tip of her tongue, truths that John did not really want to hear no matter what he claimed.

Who would want to know that their girlfriend had flipped out? Would want to know that she had given into that dark part of her that cried out for action when she was threatened? Missy had been existing in a state of perpetual fear over the last week, just waiting for the call or text from Clara that would expose what she had done. She had taken to checking John's phone whenever she could, she knew it was prime stalker behaviour but she honestly couldn't help herself.

Missy couldn't explain it to herself and she was supposedly a professional. There was only so long she could blame it on trauma or hormones. Although that was one thing Missy could really do without right now on top of everything…she was late…it wasn't the first time and at her age it was a pretty good sign that was entering the hinterland of pre-menopause…of course she could be…but that was ridiculous at her age.

And now John wanted to talk about it? Where the hell would she start?

Of course Missy wanted answers. She wanted to scream at him and demand what the hell he had been doing anywhere near Clara. Did they just happen to bump into each other or had they kept in contact somehow? She wanted to demand he stay away from the pretty brunette entirely but how could she without sounding like some crazy controlling bitch?

"I don't think you would like anything I have to say." Missy finally managed to speak, her eyes focusing on the dim reflection of John in the cab window, watching as he shifted closer and no…he couldn't touch her right now…she couldn't keep her walls up if he did that.

"Fine then let me; I think I have the measure of most of it, of what I would want to know in your place." John answered softly resting his hand on her arm as he tried to get Missy to relax against him but she was rigid and unyielding, tensed as if waiting for the first blow to fall. "I am not seeing Clara behind your back; I had not seen or spoken to her before that day at the hospital and I certainly haven't done so since."

"Yes well you would say that."

"Marsaili I am not lying to you."

"You lied to Clara." Missy reminded him. "You lied to her for weeks when you were seeing me so forgive me if your credibility is more than a little suspect."

"That was different." John insisted.

"How?"

"It just is." John blustered; surely Missy should know that at least? "You have to know that…"

"I'm not psychic John, I have many talents but that is not one of them." Missy sighed pushing down the desire to scream. "See this is why I didn't want to get into this, because there is no way to resolve it, you'll insist you aren't cheating until you are blue in the face and I'll want to believe you but how can I?"

"You just do, you know in your bones that I would never ever do that to you, just like I know in mine that you would never do that to me…"

"Yes well I am sure Clara thought the same."

"Dammit woman Clara was different I didn't love her." John snapped, the truth falling like lead from his tongue.

John had felt the jolt that had ran through Missy's slender frame at his declaration yet it was her silence that really had him worried.

A pointed cough broke the awkward silence. "Umm that'll be twenty three fifty Governor. "

Right the cabby. John could have groaned in horror, that conversation really didn't need an audience. Reaching into his suit jacket for his wallet John threw three ten pounds notes at the driver waving off the offer of change as he scrambled to follow a fleeing Missy out of the Hackney cab.

"Marsaili…wait…" John insisted ignoring the habitual winter drizzle as he grabbed hold of his girlfriend's arm before she could vanish into the restaurant and away from this conversation.

Resisting John's unspoken request for a moment Missy avoided his gaze. Her heart was in her throat right now, her emotions were on a rollercoaster from joy to disbelief but all she could trust herself to say was. "My hair will frizz…"

"Look I'm sorry I didn't mean to just blurt it out like that." John insisted as he manoeuvred them both into the doorway of the neighbouring shop and out of the rain. "I had it all planned, I was even going to try and cook again." He added forcing a laugh as his girlfriend still wouldn't meet his gaze. "Just say something won't you….anything?"

Lifting her gaze Missy searched John's gaze, stared deeply into those stormy eyes of his that she loved and she wanted to say it back. Wanted nothing more than to throw her arms about him and kiss him and tell him she loved him too. Yet something held her back…he said he loved her well Missy needed him to prove it and there was one thing that might just…

"I think I might be pregnant."

-/-

It would be an understatement to say John was distracted all through dinner. He tried to appear interested and engaged as Douglas and Vicky…mainly Vicky droned on and one about their holiday. Despite the situation John was proud of Missy who as expected pulled out her A-game for dinner. She charmed Douglas and endured Vicky with polite attentiveness, she was clearly an excellent actress, able to smile and sip her one glass of wine as though she just hadn't dropped the B bomb on him.

Twice in as many weeks, was his life turning into a comedy of errors?

How the hell did he find himself back in this situation?

Well there was obvious answer, sex, sex without protection. John knew they hadn't been using it as regularly…fine they barely ever used it but Missy never insisted they did and John had stupidly thought that that was because they didn't need to. Missy had told him she couldn't have kids, John remembered that fact quite distinctly in face it was on constant replay in his mind right now.

Had she lied to him? John hadn't thought so at the time and even know he found it hard to grasp but if Missy thought she might be pregnant now then surely that meant she must have…mustn't she?

It just didn't make any sense.

"John are we boring you old boy?" Douglas's use of his name jarred John out of his own thoughts and he looked up the see the entire table staring at him.

Shifting uncomfortably under their scrutiny John ignored Vicky's sour expression and forced a smile for Douglas's benefit. "Sorry I didn't sleep well last night…I guess I must be more tired than I realised." John lied watching as Douglas smiled indulgently and Missy's blue eyes seemed to plead with him.

Leaning forward John knew he couldn't ignore that request. The Other they could deal with later, and they would deal with it, this wasn't something they could just ignore. For now though he needed to put it out of his mind and focus. Reaching under the table he caught Missy's hand squeezing it lightly before he forced himself back into the conversation.

"So Douglas…did Missy tell you she got me to try snorkelling…"

-/-

The taxi ride home was more than tense. Missy could feel John's gaze on her and for once it didn't thrill her to be the centre of his attention like this. She knew what he wanted to say, the questions and probably accusations that would be coming her way the moment they were alone and it was making her sick to her stomach with nerves…what part of her had thought this was a good idea again?

"Excuse me could we take a small detour." Missy suddenly exclaimed leaning forward and passing on the new directions to the Cabby.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I am doing?" Missy replied as the taxi pulled up outside a 24hr pharmacy. "It's better to know don't you think, then you can stop staring at me like I'm about to explode or something. We both did this you know it's not just my problem."

Biting his lip John swallowed his reply, he was not going to have another personal discussion in a cab, once was enough for anyone. So he sat back and watched as Missy stepped out into the rain and rushed into the pharmacy.

"Women they never do seem to stop shopping do they?" The Cabbie joked only his jest fell flat as John was decidedly not in the mood to laugh…not about this and not with a complete stranger who didn't know just what he was blundering into.

Fortunately even if he wasn't a particular good comedian the driver could at least read his audience and the glare that John shot him had him pulling down his cap and hunkering lower in his seat. Tough crowd.

Fortunately there must not have been much of a queue and Missy quickly returned paper bag in hand, slipping back into the cab and dropping the offending item into the vast space on the backseat that existed between them. The rest of the trip home seemed to pass in a flash and it was a nervous couple that alighted outside the steps to John's house.

Stepping inside John paused to take Missy's coat watching out of the corner of his eye as she seemed to swallow nervously her fingers fiddling with the edge of the paper bag.

"I have never needed to pee less in my entire life." Missy suddenly announced to the silent hall and John turned back taking her shaking hand in his.

"I'll get you a glass water if you think it will help?" He offered softly and Missy finally looked up at him the terrified look in her blue eyes lifting slightly as whatever she found in his gaze reassured her somewhat.

"It might…I…I haven't exactly done this before." She confessed tightening her grip on John's hand, relieved when he squeezed her hand right back. "Ok I'll just get it over with."

"Come on." John insisted tugging her towards the stairs. Missy was right in one thing they really were in this together and it was time he showed her that at least. No matter how they got here.

John did at least stay in the bedroom whilst Missy used the ensuite. Sinking down on the bed he tugged hard on his silver curls as he tried to imagine how he would feel if Missy came out saying it was positive…his entire life…both their lives would be irreversibly changed and John just honestly didn't know how they would cope. It had taken everything in him to work on being a decent boyfriend for once, how the hell would he be a good father?

The bathroom door opened and Missy emerged test in hand and John could literally feel his heart stop beating. "Well?"

"It takes a few minutes." Missy replied glancing down at the test that still had yet to reveal its result.

"Right…right…" John's throat felt dry and right about now he would kill for a stiff drink, at least Missy looked as uncomfortable as he felt and that warmed him slightly. "Look at us at our age." John snorted. "You'd think we'd be beyond getting into scrapes like this."

"Yes well if you don't use protection then there are consequences." Missy muttered smarting a little at John's remark about her advancing years, if she really wasn't pregnant then the alternative was an even sorer point.

"I didn't realise I needed to." John bit back surprised by Missy's dig. "After you…you know why…" He added carefully as even irritated by Missy seemingly laying the blame at his door there were still somethings you didn't say. "You did say you couldn't get pregnant Missy."

"No I said I couldn't have a baby." Missy countered her eyes flicking between a confused John and the damn test that was like a sword of Damocles over her head.

"And is that not the same…"

"No it's bloody not!" Missy snapped her frayed temper pushing her to retort harshly. "I can still get pregnant, you can still get me pregnant but I can't…I won't…dammit John even if by some remote chance I am pregnant I'll lose it, that's what the doctors all said. There was too much scarring in my uterus after the accident. I might make it through the first few weeks but the likelihood of being able to carry long enough for a viable pregnancy is less than 5%."

"Missy I'm…"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry!" Missy yelled at him. "I've had a lifetime of sorry and I am sick of it. Still at least you don't have to worry about a baby ruining your life John."

"That is not fair." John replied getting up from the bed and crossing the room. "Have I once said I didn't want it?"

Snorting in amusement Missy shook her head. "You really don't need to say anything Darling its all over your face. Well not to worry at worse all you'll have to go through is not getting laid for a bit whereas I'll have to go through all the stress of pregnancy and for nothing but pain and putting my health at risk, the trauma of a miscarriage or choosing to abort and then having to live the rest of my life with the what ifs."

"I would never ask you to do that." John insisted trying to reach out and reason with her but Missy seemed trapped in a world of pain that he couldn't break into.

"No?" Missy questioned before her eyes were drawn down to the test and… "Well lucky boy you're off the hook of ever having to prove that…Negative." She added holding up the finished pregnancy test.

"Oh thank god." John couldn't help his reaction, Missy wouldn't have to go through that hell and he wouldn't have to watch it happen and be powerless to stop it. "We'll just have to be a damn sight more careful in future."

"Yes….Yes you will." Missy replied her eyes still locked on the negative symbol that seemed to hammer home her fate, barren, childless…it had to be pre menopause after all and despite the relief that she knew she should be feeling at not having to go through hell only to be disappointed Missy felt the tears begin to threaten.

Had she really wanted it to be positive?

Honestly she didn't know what she wanted. Not to be defective would be a good start. Returning to the bathroom she shoved the vile test into the trash can before grabbing the box that contained the second test and the pack of condoms she had bought in a moment of spite. Returning to the bedroom Missy was surprised to still find John waiting for her, but when he smiled and patted the space beside him on the bed like nothing significant had just happened Missy snapped.

First the test and then the condoms. Her aim was crap but at least one of them hit him before Missy was turning and rushing from the room. Her eyes were blurry with tears as she made her way down the stairs taking two at a time. She paused barely long enough to grab her bag from the hall table not even stopping for her coat from the closet as she could hear John following closely behind.

"Stop…Missy stop!" John called out, it had taken him too long to realise that something was wrong. That hit him about the time that the condoms did but Missy already had a head start on him and even with her in heels he couldn't catch up until she had reached the front door and John slammed into them both.

"No you leave me alone!" Missy screamed at him as she backed towards the door. "Just leave me alone John."

"I can't…why can't you see that I can't?" John demanded he couldn't just let her leave not in this state, not when all he wanted was to wrap her up safely in his arms only Missy wouldn't let him. He wanted to protect her but he couldn't protect her from her own demons and that was clearly what Missy was running from. "Please you're in bits and I…"

"This is not about you!" Missy yelled back. "Just for once John it's about me! And I need you to let me go right now. Please you let me go or we are finished John Smith."

Startled by the vehemence of her words John backed away his eyes narrowing in disbelief as Missy took that for her answer, unlocking the door and stepping out into the night. Following her slowly John stopped at the threshold watching as Missy stalked off down the road seemingly not caring that it was freezing and she had left her coat behind. She didn't so much as look back and that sealed it.

John returned to the house and quickly retrieved both their coats. Then slipping out into the night he followed behind her as quietly as he could. Missy wanted space and he could understand that even if it hurt but he would be damned before he allowed anyone else to hurt her…so he would follow and watch and make sure she got home alright. Then in the morning he would try and talk to her again and just hoped that this time Missy was in the right frame of mind to let him in.

-/-


	11. Chapter 9

-/-

It was freezing. Since it was winter Missy shouldn't have expected anything different and yet the bite of the bitter wind stole the breath from her even as she strode as fast as she could through the London streets. Still at least she could feel the cold, unlike the feeling the encroaching numb sensation that her insides had just been scooped out.

She should have been relieved. She wasn't pregnant; she didn't have to go through the weeks of dread of the inevitable and the cruellest emotion of all hope.

John didn't even want kids, in that way they should be perfect for each other, he didn't want them and she couldn't have them. Yet with every step taken away from Dr John Smith Missy took a step closer to facing the truth that she had been hiding even from herself…she wanted his child.

She was disappointed she wasn't pregnant, that there wasn't even a chance of carrying John's child.

God knows John would make sure of that now after two pregnancy scares in as many weeks. Besides Missy wouldn't, she couldn't trick him like that. She should have taken steps herself when they had started to get risky with the birth control. Missy was surprised John hadn't brought that up himself, god knows he had every right to question her. Not that she had really given him a chance to ask questions, screaming at him like that and storming out.

He had every right to be furious with her after the way she had just behaved.

Yes she had a right to her feelings but it wasn't John's fault she was defective, it wasn't his fault that she wanted a baby when he didn't, and it wasn't John's fault that he wasn't psychic. And yet he loved her had even told her as much…well he had before…god knows if that still held after her pathetic performance tonight.

John kept trying to reach out to her and she kept withdrawing and Missy wanted nothing more than to stop, to reach out and take the hand that he was offering but right now the idea terrified her. She was being a coward; she kept testing and prodding him like he was an experiment or one of her clients she needed to unpick. Putting it plainly she was fucking this up before life came along and fucked it up for her.

Why couldn't she just tell him she loved him?

Why couldn't she just accept her life as it was and not torture herself over things she couldn't change?

"Oi oi Darling did you forget something? Need someone to warm you up?" A couple of lads catcalled her from across the street yet Missy ignored them, sticking close to the street lights and thankfully they quickly lost interest.

It had been another one of her brilliant ideas to walk home in this weather. She should just get herself some smack and round off the day as a total fuck up. The itch was there and it was growing, it would be so easy just to give in, just this once…

Pausing as she came to one of the bridges Missy stared out into the dark water, the lamps from the footpath reflected in a splashes of colour in the inky darkness.

Or she could just….

No…No…that was ridiculous…Her hand tightened on the stone balustrade, the rough surface biting into her cold palm.

Missy shook that thought out of her head. It was a stupid idea and yet for a moment it had seemed so attractive, just to let go of all her problems. She wouldn't have to face her own behaviour, wouldn't have to face the realities of her future or John…

No she couldn't do that to him. The sudden need for him, to hear his voice and see his face was like a knife to her stomach. She had to apologise before she ruined everything, had to explain before John gave up on her, had to tell him she loved him too whilst it still meant something.

Fumbling with her purse Missy pulled out her mobile, blinking back tears she entered her passcode and before she could change her mind she had called John. It seemed like forever before he answered and Missy could barely restrain her sigh of relief when he picked up.

"I'm sorry." The words rushed out of her mouth before Missy could think of anything better to say. "God John I'm so sorry."

Pausing in the shadow of the bridge John held himself back. Part of him wanted nothing more than to rush over to Missy pull her into his arms and reassure her over and over again that it was alright. He wasn't unsympathetic to how traumatic today must have been for her and yet something in him urged him to hold back.

Missy had been off with him all week, had been withdrawn and moody, and had refused to talk to him about it when he tried to reach out to her. His I love you may have been blurted out with little finesse but he had meant it and it had hurt him when Missy had seemingly dismissed it without a care. He hadn't said that to someone in a very long time, he hadn't ever felt this way about someone before and the idea that Missy might not feel the same way about him…

"John?"

Missy's voice startled him and John felt his stomach churn. "I'm listening." He replied softly.

"I'm sorry."

"Yes so you keep saying." John sighed, resisting the urge to tug at his hair.

"I mean it; I shouldn't have taken out my problems on you."

"Our problems. They are meant to be our problems now." John corrected her, his heart lurching as he heard a smothered sob down the line and watched as Missy hunched against the bridge. "Why don't you trust me Marsaili?"

"I do…"

"You don't." John hissed back. "How long did you suspect you might be pregnant before you told me? You've been withdrawn all week and…"

"That wasn't why." Missy replied her voice breaking slightly.

"Dammit there is nothing going on between Clara and I." John snapped, his voice rising dangerously in pitch, yet thankfully Missy was so absorbed she didn't hear him. "If you cannot accept my word then how can you claim to trust me? And if you are going to lie to me at least try and make it sound convincing."

"I am not lying…I did something…something you wouldn't like and I was afraid you hate me when you found out and I just couldn't bear that…"

As quickly as John's anger flared it was smothered by the sudden feeling of his heart being ripped out of his chest. "What have you done…is there someo…"

"No."

Missy's immediate and definite response at least allowed John to start breathing properly again, although his heart still felt precariously tight in his chest.

"Marsaili just tell me what you did, its already hurting us both and if we let it fester…" John trailed off; he didn't need to spell out the consequences for her she was a smart woman. He could only hope that Missy valued their relationship enough, could find the courage to trust him with the truth, even if it hurt them both now.

"I…I…" Her throat closed around the words and Missy had to swallow twice before she could continue. "I threatened Clara."

There it was said and for a moment Missy felt a wave of relief that she was carrying one less of her dirty secrets. Yet that relief was transitory when John remained silent down the line and Missy felt her own heart breaking the longer the silence dragged on. He had heard her she knew that he had heard her.

Stunned was not the word.

Of all the things John had considered Missy might say that had not even figured in his wildest imaginings and it took a good few moments for it to sink in and John was left floundering in confusion. "When…how…why…why would you do that?"

"In the hospital, when you went to get a coffee." Missy replied her eyes clenched tightly shut as she tried to shut out the memory and Clara's big frightened doe eyes. "I just wanted her to leave you alone…to leave us alone and I just didn't think."

"Did you hurt her?" John couldn't believe he was asking this, couldn't believe that the woman he loved would be capable of such a thing but he had to know the truth.

The long pause all but confirmed the worst and John felt sick to his stomach.

"I grabbed her hand…I probably left bruises." Missy confessed picturing in her mind John's horrified expression. "I wasn't thinking rationally, I was just so scared and…"

"And rather than talk to me you threatened a sick woman in her hospital bed?" John spat back, no longer caring if his voice carried in the night air and he watched as Missy jolted, her head snapping up as she looked around before finally spotting him.

"John…"

Stalking towards a shaking Missy John took a measure of satisfaction in her surprise. "Didn't expect to see me?"

"No how did…" Missy struggled to catch up. How John had suddenly appeared now of all moments had thrown her and having to see his anger and disappointment was far worse than imagining it.

"I was worried." John scoffed blinking back the angry tears that threatened. "I couldn't just let you walk home alone across London I would worry all night, so I followed to make sure you got home alright. I felt guilty for the way I behaved, upsetting you first with Clara and then the pregnancy scare. I cannot believe you…how could you do that?"

"I don't…I don't know…I just wanted her to go away, I knew I couldn't survive losing you now and I just wanted her to…"

"To disappear?" John finished for her, his anger turning to exasperation, the words blurting out of his mouth before he could censor them. "Well it's a wonder you stopped at threatening her then. I mean what's one more death on your conscience?"

The slap shouldn't have been a surprise.

Even so John reeled back with the force of it.

For a moment they stood there silent and shaking.

John smarting from the sting in his cheek, his eyes finally open to the real woman before him. Marsaili had once told him she was not a nice person, but John hadn't really seen it before, not until now did he realise what she had meant. It wasn't just that she pursued him not caring he was involved with another woman and that it would inevitably lead to heartache for Clara. Marsaili was capable of deliberate cruelty and acts of violence and John didn't know how he could reconcile his feelings for her with this new realisation.

Missy couldn't believe John had said that. He had every right to be angry with her but nothing gave him the right to use the death of her husband and unborn child as a weapon against her. She was shaking now from more than just the cold and she wanted to hit him again over and over until this feeling inside her was expunged, either that or grab hold of him tight and never let him go.

Turning away so John couldn't see her tears and accuse her of using them to try and make him feel guilty Missy rested her hands back on the bridge her fingertips gripping the surface so tightly her shoulders began to shake.

"This is the part where you walk away." Missy choked out, her eyes locked on the glittering lights on the water. "Where you tell me you can't trust me or love me anymore and you don't want to see me again." She added bitterly lifting her gaze from the water to stare up into John's furious face.

She wasn't wrong John had been about to say it. Yet hearing the words made him pause as the reality of what it would mean sank in.

He was angry and confused and mad as hell at her but did he really never want to see her again?

He shouldn't love her. Her confession should have killed those feelings dead but John couldn't lie even to himself that the idea of never seeing Marsaili again, or holding her in his arms, hurt even more than the truth about her had. He was torn down the middle, part of him horrified and disgusted by the real her and the other part bleeding inwardly from the need for her, that need hadn't suddenly vanished with her confession.

"I wish it was as easy as that." John confessed, studying Missy's face carefully as her mask cracked and doubt appeared in her eyes. "I wish it was as easy to say that and for it to be true. I shouldn't still love you."

"Shouldn't?" The rest of the question unspoken as Missy suddenly found it impossible to hold back the wave of emotions that surged up.

"Do you think my love for you is so shallow that I can just turn it off?" John sighed, his resolve wavering.

Missy had fucked up, monumentally, and yet hadn't he hurt her too, hadn't he fucked up in the past and somehow she had found a way to get past it. Yet was this something that could be gotten past? How could he spend his life with this woman and not wonder what other terrible things she was hiding from him, what she would do to any woman who dared to look twice at him?

"I love you."

It was barely whispered and yet John heard her and if possible it broke his heart more. "Marsaili don't…"

"I have to it might be the only time I get to say it." Missy countered wiping away the tears that spilled down her cheeks. "I love you John Smith and I am so sorry for everything."

"I am sorry too." John sighed. "Yet that doesn't change anything. I love you's can't magically make it all better."

Nodding Missy had to acknowledge John was right. It was just words. Even if she never lied to him again he would never look at her the way he once had, he would always doubt her. Eventually he would stop loving her and then she would lose him completely and Missy knew she wasn't strong enough to face that.

"One of us should walk away."

She was right, he should leave. They were just going to go around in circles with this and yet John couldn't have lifted a foot right now. He hated this stalemate but he didn't have the strength to break it, to accept that it was over. "I can't."

Surprised by the admission Missy felt a flicker of something in her chest, something that cut through the wave of despair that was engulfing her.

"I can't either." She replied unable to resist the urge to reach out and touch him, her fingers lighting on the buttons of his overcoat touching them lightly.

John covered her hand without thinking, not sure if his intention was to cast it away or hold it firm. Yet the moment his hand covered hers John knew he couldn't let go again.

"Jesus you're freezing." Missy's skin was icy cold beneath his own cold palm and John didn't even try to hide his concern as he took in the blueish tinge to her bare arms.

Shaking out her coat John wrapped it around Missy's trembling shoulders. He wasn't sure if it was just the cold that was causing her to shake like that. Unbuttoning his own coat he was tugging her against him, shivering himself as her freezing form suddenly pressed against him, the icy daggers of her fingers pressing into his chest.

Heat…John was so wonderfully warm, yet it was the comfort that his arms brought as they wrapped around her tightly that really had Missy thawing. "I don't want you to leave." Missy confessed into the soft linen of John's shirt.

"And I don't want to." John replied resting his cheek on the top of her head. "I just don't know…how do we get past this? I know I want to get past this." John added tightening his grip. "I know I want to wake up with you in my arms and just be happy, not feel this thing sitting on my chest."

"I don't know. Take it a day at a time." Missy suggested tilting her head up so she stare into John's eyes. "We've both got a lot of baggage and we never talk about it…I never talk about it. Too ashamed and afraid you would be repelled by it. I guess now there is nothing left to lose."

Of course there was more. John had suspected it. As terrible as it must have been to lose her husband and child Missy had run away and cut all ties with her family and that had felt wrong. She never mentioned them, not even in the casual little slips that would be natural, it was like she had blocked them and all mention of her life in Scotland away behind a locked door.

"I am listening now."

"Not here." Missy pleaded, suddenly John's gaze felt to heavy on her and ashamed she buried her face into his chest. "Come home with me."

"Marsaili…"

"Please John don't make me beg. I need to get warm and I will need more than a little dutch courage if I am going to open this box up again."

Running his hand gently over her hair John felt himself waver. He wanted to hope, to cling to the chance that if they were both brutally honest with the other, aired all the skeletons that remained hidden, that there was still a chance for a future. That there might be something in her past that would explain if not excuse Missy's recent actions.

"Alright." John finally conceded. "But if I choose to leave."

"I won't try to stop you." Missy promised, chancing a peek up to gauge his mood; cautious, weary and yet open. She could work with that, it wasn't like she had a choice. It was all or nothing this time.

-/-


	12. Chapter 10

-/-

Missy Saxon hadn't needed a drink this badly in years and yet as much as she craved the burn of a whiskey about now Missy didn't dare take a drink for herself…not yet at any rate…

Instead she poured one for John, her hand trembling slightly from the lingering cold and the nerves that she was trying her best to suppress.

"Here you go." Missy offered pointlessly, yet it was something to say, something to fill the awkward gaping silence that seemed to stretch between them since they arrived back at her flat.

She had promised John the truth about herself, and yet promises were far easier to make than they were to keep. Missy needed to tell him, she just didn't want to, and in that quandary the words stuck like rusty nails in her throat. So instead she stood there adrift in the middle of the lounge, John sat expectantly on the sofa his eyes heavy with expectation and Missy just couldn't, she was stuck.

"Help me." She finally managed to confess and John's gaze softened marginally. "I don't know how to do this."

Sighing John set his whiskey down on the coffee table. He knew he should remain strong. That Missy's admission of wrong doing should have him keeping his distance of only to protect his own shattered heart and yet here was the woman he loved asking for his help. He had never seen Missy so fragile looking, not even when she had stormed out of his house earlier that night. Then she had at least had her rage to fuel her but now….

"Come here." John offered as Missy continued to stand isolated and trembling.

Clearly that had been the right thing to say as Missy's lips quirked in something close to a smile and she all but ran to join him on the sofa, sinking down into the arms that rose as naturally as breathing to enfold her.

Pressing herself tightly into John's embrace Missy pressed her damp sore eyelids against the firmness of his chest, breathing in the reassuring scent of him and letting the strong thump of his heartbeat ground her. Her John was still here, he was still real, and she was still stronger than her demons.

"I think part of me died after the accident." Missy confessed into the creased linen of John's shirt.

If John heard her he didn't answer but the sudden weight of his hand against the nape of her neck, his fingers gentle raking through her loosened ponytail, well that reassured Missy he was listening to her every word.

"I remember waking up in that hospital ward like it was yesterday, the stink of the chemicals and blood…my blood…" Missy shivered as the powerful memory came rushing back and she was practically there again, only the steady comfort of John's heartbeat and his hand in her hair kept her grounded.

"A nurse was there when I woke up; she was the one that told me about Theo and the baby." Missy paused, swallowing down a dry lump.

"I don't know whether it was the meds or just that I couldn't accept what she was saying but I…I…lost control. I couldn't accept what she was saying, and I just wanted her to stop. I was hooked up to all manner of equipment and pumped full of drugs but I still went for her. I was in no state to do any real damage but they sedated me for my own good. After that I was drowning in a cocktail of pain killers and sedatives until they discharged me, anything that numbed the pain and made it go away, made me go away. I just wanted to fade away until there was nothing left and for a while I could do that, but then they stopped giving me prescriptions for the drugs…"

There was more John knew it. As hard as her confession so far had been there was nothing so incriminating about her story that would explain away the things that John knew. Even her attack on the nurse, whilst extreme, well she had been in shock and pain and had reacted by going on the attack. John could understand that, he could also understand all too well the seductive pull of sleeping away your problems. Hadn't he done much the same after his own trauma?

"What happened when they took away the drugs?" John forced himself to ask, his voice sounding rough and scratchy even to his own ears.

"I went out and found different ones." Missy whispered in reply her eyes now shut tightly from the shame of it. "Sleeping tablets at first, whatever I could get my hands on. Then my mother found out and she flushed them down the loo. I think she thought I was hoarding them because I was going to try and kill myself."

"Were you?" John had to ask, he had to know.

That Missy could have ever contemplated ending her life left him cold through. He would never have known her; she would never have barged her way into his life and reminded him that despite his past and ongoing difficulties that it was possible still to enjoy his life. The thought of still being that John Smith, the one still stuck living within the confines of his study and often his own head, that thought terrified him.

"I…I don't know." Missy admitted. "I don't think it was something I consciously thought about doing, but I did think about just going to sleep and how nice it would be not to wake up. I never thought of it as suicide just that I wanted oblivion so badly." She sighed even now memories of those first few weeks were a blur. A few disjointed images and feelings floated up but they were numb and colourless.

"So after your mother threw them away…"

"I tried to get more but she had spoken to the doctor and the pharmacist. I guess she thought she was helping…" Missy's voice broke slightly, just talking about her mother hurt, it was hard not to think of her without the shame flooding back. "In the end I just found other ways to blot out the pain…less legal means…"

It took a moment for the implication to sink in and John honestly was shocked. He shouldn't have been, knowing her story it wasn't hard to conclude that drugs might have become a crutch for her. Yet he just couldn't reconcile the woman he knew and loved with a drug addict? He wasn't some protected pampered fool, he had grown up in the Glasgow slums, he encountered his fair share of drunks and druggies over the years.

"What did you take?"

"Whatever I could get my hands on but I mainly smoked crack." Missy replied clinically, her voice suddenly empty of any emotional inflection. "And I smoked a lot of it."

The urge to put distance between them flared up and John had to fight this sudden desire to flee from this alien wearing the face of his lover. Instead his hands tightened on her arms lifting her dead weight from his chest so he could look at her face as he asked and she answered. "How long?"

"Too long…Months I think…It's difficult to explain but the memories are jumbled. It wasn't living your see, just existing until you could get your next fix. Nothing else matters, not my job, not even my family. I destroyed my life John, I hurt people who loved me, lied to them, stole from them…I even pawned my wedding ring…"

"But you stopped!" John clung to this truth like a lifeboat, resisting the urge to shake some life into this muted version of his lover. That Missy was not his Marsaili, she wasn't a drug addict. "Something made you stop…"

"Someone made me stop….well made me stop myself." Missy added her voice breaking slightly, the only sign that the real her was still inside somewhere buried deep. "I didn't have the money and he told me that was ok since I was a friend…I just had to come back with him to his digs…"

This was the memory she had squashed far down, supressing it was far as it was possible to go, yet now she was opening it back up again and it was like she was back in that room. His breath on her face…"I had never been so scared; it broke through the haze and made me feel something for the first time since the accident. I couldn't go through with it but he wouldn't let me leave…he…"

"Marsaili!" John really did shake her now, relieved when her bright blue eyes suddenly snapped open and focused on something that was really here and not in whatever nightmare she had been trapped in.

"You don't have to say any more." John insisted his hands sliding up to cup her face, in truth he wasn't certain he could hear anymore. Not details about that, about some other man forcing…god the very thought of it would haunt him and John already wanted to scour the knowledge from his brain.

"Sweetheart." He added gently as he rubbed his thumbs along the ridge of her cheekbones. "No one is ever going to hurt you like that again I won't let them."

Smiling despite the absurdity of John's promise Missy soaked up his gentle affection. Poor boy still didn't understand what she was trying to tell him. Reaching up Missy covered one of John's warm hands with her own, her eyes falling closed as she rubbed her cheek against his fingers. If this was to be the last moment of affection between them Missy was determined to savour it.

"I didn't let him John…I wouldn't let anybody hurt me, not again, and not like that…I stopped him." Missy replied softly her eyes drifting open to meet John's confused gaze. "I was frightened at first and then I got mad, like I did in the hospital, I lost control and next thing I remember he was on the floor and he wasn't moving."

Of all the things John was expecting Missy to say that had not been amongst them. Conflicted…relief that she hadn't been raped was immediate, but it was soured by the growing horror of what she was leaving out. "Was he…"

"Dead?" Missy finished for him before shrugging in what John could only think as a flippant manner for something so serious.

"I don't know…I exactly didn't stick around to find out." Missy added her heart sinking as John pulled his hand free of her grip, his gaze so distant it was like he was looking at a stranger.

Missy had known this would happen. When she promised to tell him the whole truth about herself that this would be the part he wouldn't be able to stomach. The drugs, her pain, even being prepared to sell herself for a quick fix, they painted her as weak and in need of his protection. The very things that disgusted her were the things that were excusable to John. He could still love that Missy.

Yet the violence that had protected her, the self-preserving instinct that had her leaving her would be rapist unmoving on the floor of his squat and not calling for help, the emotional distance that had her relieve him of whatever cash she could find before running away as far as she could. Those strengths that had helped Missy claw her way back from the abyss were traits that John would recoil from. They were the mirror of her weaknesses, the dark to her light, and denying them would be like amputating a part of herself.

"I don't expect you to understand." Missy added finally her tone regretful and yet steady. "And I can't pretend to be sorry for doing what I did…I was drowning the way I was and it might sound crazy but being able to fight back the way I did I showed myself it wasn't too late, that I was stronger than I realised."

"You may have killed him…"

"He was trying to rape me I defended myself." Missy replied her blue eyes glinting dangerously. "He was a drug dealer, a pimp and an abuser of women. If I did kill him then who's to say it was wrong?"

"Nothing justifies murder Missy." John insisted as he grasped to that one truth, his mind was turned upside down by her revelations.

"Really nothing?" Missy sneered. "Not even self-defence? What about protecting people you love?"

Standing up from the sofa John couldn't find it in himself to meet Missy's accusing gaze. Pacing over to the window John stared down into the darkened street, for a moment wishing himself anywhere but here. He should have stayed at his house instead of following Missy home, that way he might have avoided this whole conversation and learning this truth that…had ruined everything?

That he was even doubting and questioning that frightened John to the core. Were his morals so weak that he was even considering Missy's arguments? Murder was murder no matter the excuse, wasn't that what he always believed? Yes there could be extenuating circumstances that meant the punishment for the crime might be lessened but never excused away; murder could never be an acceptable solution…not even when it was the woman he was desperately in love with.

"What if taking a life would give a life back?" Missy's words were spoken softly against the shell of his ear and John shuddered as he hadn't realised she had followed him. "Your friend who died what if you had killed his murderer first and thusly saved his life, what makes that wrong?"

"Stop…Marsaili just stop." John pleaded with her, unable to push her away as those tiny hands he so adored reached up and embraced him. Hadn't had the same thoughts when he had been drowning his own guilt and despair, hadn't he dreamt he had found the strength to act before it had been too late, even if it was fling himself in front of the bullet instead?

"He wanted to hurt me John and I stopped him, I had already suffered so much why did I deserve to suffer more?" Missy added leadingly, pressing her lips to the strip of skin below John's hair line and above his collar and feeling him shiver.

"You always say that I am yours John, don't you think I hear you? Those nights when you really let go, you own me and I let you because it's true I am yours. In every way I am yours and I think I probably always would have been no matter when we met. I think we were fated love. Well he would have taken that away from us, he would have taken me away from you."

"Marsaili…."

"Shush it's alright." Missy kissed his neck again, this time pressing herself tightly against his back so he could feel the press of her breasts. "I know it's confusing and you are conflicted, but it's late and you must be tired. Just take your time, it was so long ago and it could be all for nothing, for all we know the bastard is alive and well and ruining other people's lives but we don't have to let him ruin ours."

"Could it really be that simple?" John scoffed in disbelief, yet Missy was right about something he was tired, bone tired. "I need…"

"You need to let me look after you tonight. Please." Missy pleaded with him. "Just let's go to bed we can worry about the past in the morning."

He knew he shouldn't…

John knew he should push away the warmth of her embrace and insist on going home where he could think without her distracting words and kisses and yet he was tired of being alone. He wasn't sure what he intended to do yet and he knew it was a weakness he would regret later but for now…he would let Missy manipulate him into doing what deep down he knew he wanted to do with only his conscience putting up a lingering protest.

He followed docilely as she led him up the stairs, as she took him over to her bed and unbuttoned his shirt for him. He only stopped her hands as they moved to his belt. Her fingers were so warm under his and John's breath caught as he realised just how close Missy was standing. Her dark hair hung mussed around her face, her make up smudged from her tears and John imagined he had corresponding smears on his shirt.

"I love you." It was heart breaking because it was the truth and yet right now it gave John little joy to utter it.

"I love you too." Missy replied sadly. Her fingers trembling as she slowly pulled them free from John's and reached up to the fastening at the nape of her neck. With a dexterous motion she was pulling down the top of her jumpsuit, holding John's gaze as she felt the cool evening air against her bare skin. Unzipping and sliding the material over her hips Missy dropped the remainder of her clothing to the floor.

So beautiful. Even though now he knew the truth John couldn't look at Missy Saxon and not be moved by the sight of her. Yet for once it was not just her beautiful breasts or the curve of her arse that held his attention, it was the long faded white scar that curved along the line of her belly. Normally hidden beneath sexy lingerie or nightwear or even just a strategically placed sheet, John knew it was deliberate that Missy was choosing now to expose this part of herself.

Oh she was so clever his love.

Here was a wound, once almost fatal and definitely life changing and something Missy considered ugly and to be hidden. Yet now she stood here exposed to his gaze, all of her just like she promised him. Her scar was now a sign that the past could fade, could be gotten over, and that even if one part of her was ugly it didn't detract for her obvious beauty.

She wanted him to believe that tonight's revelations could be the same and John wanted to believe it too. He needed that hope to cling too. So for tonight he would, he would trace that faded scar with his fingertips and feel the warmth and strength of the flesh beneath his fingertips. He would press her back onto the bed and bury himself body heart and soul inside her, let her arms keep him safe and warm and help him cling to that hope with their combined strength and then in the morning…well perhaps if they were both lucky it would still be there.

-/-


	13. Epilogue

Epilogue

-/-

"I love you."

Blinking her eyes open Missy smiled softly up at her lover as he kissed her. Hearing John tell her he loved her was a wonderful way to wake up in the morning and Missy stretched her naked her body out to stretch out the kinks. Yet when she went to pull John down, to deepen the kiss, he refused to be pulled.

"John?" Missy mumbled confused as she took in the sight of her love already dressed and looking down at her like…

And then the memories of the previous night returned in all their terrible glory and Missy knew…she knew deep in her bones what this what.

"Please don't." It was begging and it was beneath her but Missy Saxon had already learnt that when it came to John Smith her usual rules didn't apply; she doubted there was nothing she wouldn't do for this man.

"I just need some time." John finally forced the words out even though he knew they would break her and hurting her was the last thing he wanted but John needed some time and space to think…time away from her…from them…

"This is not over…I just need some time."

And then it would be over. Absence didn't make the heart fonder in most cases it just made doing the difficult things easier, the heart was a fickle organ.

"And what about what I need?" Missy pleaded even as she bit back tears. "No one ever sorted out their problems by running away from them John."

"I am not running away." John insisted yet even to himself his protests sounded hollow. "I am coming back I promise."

Fine so he was retreating but it was for his own sanity.

He had to know if he could live with what Missy had told him about her past, if he could accept loving a woman who had so callously not cared if she had killed man. John had to be sure that the truth wouldn't poison the love he felt know, that one day he wouldn't wake up and hate the woman he had spent his life with and by extension hate himself.

Pressing a kiss to Missy forehead John fortified himself against her tears. "I need to go now."

Nodding Missy burrowed her face in her covers, breathing in the scent of her love; soon it would be the only thing of his she had left.

"I'll…" John began only to stop as he reached the bedroom door. He had been about to say he would call but something stopped him. It was the same instinct that stopped him from returning to the bed and pulling Missy back into his arms.

"I'll write to you whilst I'm away…I love you Marsaili and I will do whatever I can to find a way to make this work…just trust me please."

Trust…it was as simple and as difficult as that…John Smith was asking for her to believe him when every experience in her life was abandonment. He was asking her trust that somehow he would be different, that despite the past they somehow still could have a future, and yet he was giving her nothing but the promise of letters to cling to.

"I want to…I will try to." Missy replied it was the best she could offer.

John Smith was going to break her heart and there was nothing she could do to stop him and still he wanted her to trust and hope in him and fool that she was Missy couldn't help but cling to it. It wouldn't be easy, it would far easier to give into despair and doubt but if they were to get through this then she had to try.

It wasn't what he had hoped for and yet John knew it was probably more than he deserved. He needed time to think, time to understand and to do that he needed answers…answers that John wouldn't find here. It was time to face the past...it was time to go back to Scotland.

-/-


End file.
